Do you know the story of Conservo Claus?

Liberal Santa

Liberal Santa

HO, HO, HO!

It’s that time of year again. A time to gather the children around the fire, and tell them the stories and tales of old.

Stories and tales that you hope will instill in them a sense of joy, and righteousness, and conservative goodness.

Of course, the contemporary story of “Santa Claus” has become twisted and perverted, and no longer really imparts a… well, a conservative enough message for today’s American conservatives.

So we here at LiberalBias.com feel that it is necessary to give you a conservative alternative to the standard liberally-biased Christmas Story.

You’re welcome.

 


Boys and girls, family members young and old. Let me tell you a story. This story begins far, far away, up at the North Pole! It’s very cold at the North Pole, and always will be, because weather is controlled by God, not fossil fuels.

Our story begins at the North Pole because that is where a great man lives, and that man is named Santa Reagan Claus. He has a wife, because he is heterosexual, and a whole collection of under-aged elves who work in his factory. You see, Santa loves the elves, and understands that the best way to help them is to employ them for minimum wage so that his wealth can “trickle down” to them. Without him, those elves would probably be unemployed and starving in the frozen tundra. Isn’t Santa wonderful? He even pays them with candy canes.. and who doesn’t love candy canes?

Because the North Pole isn’t burdened by socialist regulations and taxes, Santa is able to churn out millions of really cheap toys. He also contributes to the local economy by purchasing whale blubber for heat and lighting in his factory. You see, Santa prefers to remain “off the grid”, just in case Obama’s secret black ops army finally successfully engineers the radical communist take-over of the world government. This is also why Santa has stockpiles of guns and ammunition… just like your mommy and daddy should.

So anyway, because Santa is the CEO of a successful North Pole Factory, he is obviously a very hard worker. Some liberal malcontents like to perpetuate the myth that Santa only works one day a year, in order to paint him as some kind of evil entitled “One-Percenter”.

But the fact is, Santa is constantly going over very complicated paperwork and reports, trying to figure out how to cut costs. He is a big fan of Connie Mack’s “Penny Plan” and has been cutting his expenses by 1% every year since 1803, which is why he now employs under-aged elves and pays them with candy canes.

Conserva-ClausSo anyway, on Christmas Eve, Santa gathers together his distribution department,which consists primarily of handicapped people. In some folk stories these “assistants” are described as monsters, but that just shows you how racist liberals are.

Santa employs them because Santa does not discriminate: he employs people based only on their ability to perform the job required. In this case, the job that is required is scaring the ever-living crap out of children who have been naughty.

Notice in the photo, that Santa REAGAN Claus also wears a cross on his hat, because unlike the Liberal version of Santa Claus, he knows that Christmas is all about Jesus and scaring children.

So anyway, Santa Reagan Claus then goes out into the night on a beautiful mission to spread free-market values! This is the real message of Christmas, after all: If a child has worked hard enough, followed every single demand and rule placed upon him by his parents, while of course never being paid for anything throughout the entire year, then he will be rewarded in the form of a small toy, or possibly a snack, that serves as a “bonus”. This will prepare him for what it is like to be employed by a multi-million dollar multi-national corporation later in life.

On the other hand, if the child has NOT worked hard enough, then Santa’s mutant monster-looking assistants put the child in a burlap sack and beat him until he learns the value of hard, honest work.

Santa knows that being overly permissive with children will just lead them to grow up to be spoiled liberals and homosexuals. The purpose of Christmas is to teach these children that in the real world, there are winners and losers…. and Santa Reagan Claus will help you to punish the losers.

 


 

I know some people will think this is a joke. But just take a moment to think about it: Isn’t this exactly the kind of Christmas that our good, conservative politicians and leaders would want?

Just think about it, and share it with your conservative friends: The story of Conservo-Claus!

Social justice for Christmas

It’s that time of year again: time to start fighting against the war on Christmas! And this year, we will fight against liberals by spreading social justice!

Now, I know what you are thinking: “social justice” is something that Christmas-hating-progressives rant about. But believe it or not, there is a way to do social justice the right way!

Reclaiming Language for the Right!

This article is part of a series that explores the ways that conservatives can “take back” some of the phrases that Democrats have been using to push the liberal agenda. Check out the whole series.

Social Justice
Invest in Change

In the God-breathed Bible, we read in the Gospel accounts that Jesus preached justice, he worked for justice, and he embodied justice. As followers of Jesus, it is vital that we demand justice in the face of heinous bigotry, most especially the War on Christmas.

How? Here are 4 tangible ways to combat the war on Christmas with Jesus-like justice:

  1. Statistically speaking, America has the highest incarceration rate and the largest total prison population in the entire world. How can we help these inmates?
    Drop off buckets of “Keep the Christ in Christmas” buttons! Just like our suburban neighbors, these prisoners deserve to know that Jesus…. not Rachel Maddow and her crazy anti-Christmas rants… is the reason for the season!
  2. Studies show that of all industrialized nations, America is the most obese.  This just gives you the perfect opportunity!
    Hand out Christian leaflets at your local fast food restaurant! As those fat parents bring in their fat children, hand them a booklet of love, remind them that Christ was born and can save them from their obesity through God’s all-mighty power. Before they can shove another nugget into their floppy mouths, hand them a tract of Christmas love.
  3. The United States has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the world. Sadly it’s this time of year that many young women whore themselves out to get pregnant. We as pro-life Christians should come to their assistance, out of love for justice. How shall we do that?
    Show up in the hospital dressed as Jesus and yell at them for being whores. There are few greater ways to convert the lost than to literally bring them before the judgment of Jesus.
  4. Americans take more prescription drugs than any other developed nation in the world. We all know its because the liberal agenda causes depression. With great pain I’m sure you understand that many American’s rely on pills rather than the power of prayer to fight the Devils left-wing depression-causing attacks. So what can you do to spread Christ’s justice in the world?
    Wish every single person you meet “Merry Christmas!” How healing it is when we offer the verbal blessing of Christmas to people! Much better than liberal “healthcare”. We are able to speak Biblical truth and witness to our cashiers, barista’s, lawyers, house-maids, and baby sitters all with a simple “Merry Christmas!”

This year, as Santa tumbles down your chimney, be sure not to let the demonic religions that the left wing anti-American’s promote take over! Fight back with the power of the justice of Jesus Christ… with buttons, flyers for fat people, yelling at whores, and of course wishing a joyous Merry Christmas to all!

Santa bringing justice to the heathens.
Santa bringing justice to the heathens.

The Tale of Conservo-Claus

Liberal Santa

Liberal SantaThe tale of Santa Claus has been twisted and perverted by liberals into a disgusting piece of anti-American propaganda. Today’s Liberal Santa gives welfare entitlements to undeserving unemployed children, owns a television and a microwave despite only working one day per year, and is forced to employ a congenitally deformed reindeer due to political correctness.

But that is not the true, conservative story of Christmas. So in the honorable tradition of Conservapedia, the Half Hour News Hour, and, AMAC, we will take a very popular liberal thing (in this case, Christmas) and change it around completely in order to create our very own conservative version.

You’re welcome.

 


Far up north, where it is very very cold, and will always be cold because God would never allow the planet to change temperature dramatically, there lives a man named Santa Reagan Claus. Usually, he just goes by Santa R. Claus.

He lives there with his wife, because he is heterosexual. Also, a whole collection of immigrant children work in his factory. This is one of the reasons that he is known throughout the world as being so generous and kind to children. If it were not for S. Reagan Claus, those diminutive little people would be completely unemployed and would probably starve and freeze to death in the cold, cold northern ice storms. Basically, Santa Reagan Clause has single-handedly saved their lives.

So anyway, his factory is able to churn out tons and tons of really cheap toys. Partially, because he is using child labor, but also because the North Pole is not burdened by the iron first of government regulation. The liberal hell-hole country of the United States could learn a lot from the Free Market paradise of the North Pole, in fact. Santa only has to pay his under-aged factory workers with candy-canes, which allows him to keep prices very low. The children are happy, too, because, hey, who doesn’t like candy canes? Plus, he dressed them up like elves, which they also enjoy.

So anyway, Santa also contributes to the local economy at the north pole, because he uses locally-produced whale blubber as insulation in the factory walls and fuel for the lamps. He does not use electricity because he prefers to remain “off the grid” so that when the Industrial-Socialist Complex of Vast Democrat Machine finally lowers the Communist Hammer on the world economy, he does not want to be adversely affected.  This is also why he stockpiles approximately 1/3 of all of the guns that are produced in his factory. This is a lesson that your family should also learn from.

So anyway, as the CEO of the North Pole Factory, Santa works very, very hard every single day of the year. The idea that Santa only works one day per year is a myth perpetuated by communists to reinforce the idea of the the 1% are somehow lazy and undeserving. Santa is constantly toiling over balance sheets, invoices, employee reports, and of course reports about his customer base. Because he is a conservative, he has vowed to cut expenses by 1% every single year, and has been doing this since the year 1803. That is why his company is so efficient now. It is also why he pays his underaged factory worker with candy canes.

Conserva-ClausSo anyway, on Christmas Eve, he meets with his distribution department,which is made up primarily of deformed and slightly mentally retarded people. In popular folk lore, these “assistants” are described as being monsters, but that just shows you how racist liberals are. Santa employs them because Santa does not discriminate: he employs people based only on finding who is best for the job that is needed.  Therefore, Santa employes the members of his distribution department to scare the crap out of children who are bad and beat them, because let’s face it, that is a role to which deformed and disabled people are especially suited.

Also, Reagan Claus wears a big old cross on his hat, because he knows that Jesus is the reason for the season.

So anyway, Santa Reagan Claus and his team of assistants go around the night before Christmas in order to re-enforce capitalist free-market values. How does he do this? When a child has worked hard enough for little or no financial compensation, he is given a very small and very inexpensive bonus in the form of some kind of toy or possibly a piece of food that he is normally too poor to afford. On the other hand, when a child has been lazy and has not worked in a factory, or in the fields, or in an office performing repetitive tasks that the company would normally buy a machine to perform except that the machine is more expensive than child labor, then Santa’s mutant monster-looking assistants place the child into a burlap sack and beat him until he learns the value of hard, honest work.

Because Santa knows that coddling children leads to nothing but dependent, entitled little spoiled brats. In the real world, there are winners and losers… and losers get punished. Those are real conservative values…. and Santa Reagan Claus is there to help you teach them to your children.

 


 

I know that some of you will read this as if it were a joke. Some of you will think that this is exaggerated and horrific and/or silly.

But in the spirit of the holiday, I ask you to take just one small moment out of  your day and really think about it. If this was how Christmas was run every year, can you just imagine how quickly children would learn the value of capitalism and hard work?

All I’m saying is: think about it.

The story of Conserva-Claus might be exactly what America needs.

How to keep Christ in Christmas

Example Christmas gift.

Buy Jesus Now.

The Christmas spirit is one of love and compassion, one of hope and expectation, embodied in the life and death of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. That is why it is important to advertise Christ on all of your decorations, clothing, and bumper stickers this glorious Christmas season.

The Christmas spirit has been lost in our liberal-leaning, yet once Christian, nation. The growing quest for inclusivity have gone so far that we are now harassed for wishing someone a “Merry Christmas.” This strange cultural manipulation of Jesus’ birth celebration has lead many Christians to rightfully coin the phrase, “Keep Christ in Christmas.”

This motto of keeping Christ in the Christmas season is one that we conservatives can and should unite under.  In our current political climate, especially with the re-election of Barack Hussein Obama, it is so very clear that the word “Christmas” will soon be seen as hate speech.

So this holiday season, let us remember our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the one who showed us life and life in its abundance, he showed us the only true path to salvation and revealed to us the wrath and mercy of God. As Jesus preached and saved the wicked, he undoubtedly frustrated the religious and political powers, which ultimately ended in his death – it is this radical spirit of activism that we Christians must submit ourselves to. We must stand up in civil disobedience to the liberal media and socialist politicians that are captivating our culture and transforming Christian values into the idolatrous worship of inclusivity.

Example Jesus-themed Christmas gift.
Example Jesus-themed Christmas gift.

Singing Christmas Carols, celebrating with family parties, adorning your car with a Christmas bumper sticker, wearing Christmas earrings, and decorating your homes and lawns and cars and trailer with the “Merry Christmas” message itself have become ways in which we as Christians can stand up against the “powers and principalities” that Paul told us we inevitably have to fight.

This year, in the flurry of cookies to bake, family to visit, and presents to exchange, remember that Jesus is the reason for the season. Christ should appear on every card, every ornament, and even every gift that you give. Pictures of Christ, lamps shaped like Christ, even glowing lawn ornaments that spell out the name of Christ are ways that you can help spread the true Christmas spirit.

Some people might call it commercialism, but for conservatives it just means you are bearing the cross of Christ.