Why did Pope Benedict XVI really resign? FOUR SCANDALS

Pope Benedict XVI

Pope Benedict XVI recently said he will resign “because of advanced age.” That explanation is neither plausible nor interesting. So what is the REAL reason?

THEORY #1: The Pope ousted by super-powerful Twitter because he was “using it wrong”.

According to anonymous officials inside the Vatican, the Pope had laid out one of the most completely moronic and anti-social uses of social media ever devised.

Specifically, the Pope had declared that: 1) he didn’t want people to tweet to him, because he didn’t intend to reply; 2) he had no plans to ever follow anybody or re-tweet; and 3) there was no reason to expect that he would tweet anything personal or interesting, or even that he would tweet very often.

Also speaking on the condition of anonymity, one official related to the Twitter organization commented on this by saying: “What a #herpderp”.

Is it possible that the great Twitter Overloads were simply so baffled and annoyed by this misuse of the entire concept of Social Media that they applied secret pressure behind the scenes to force the Pope to resign? According to one anonymous and extremely informed individual in the comments section of a blog: “I suppose anything is possible.”

Pope Benedict XVI
Pope Benedict XVI

THEORY #2: The Pope resigned because his excessive use of the Dark Side of the Force has sapped him of all of this strength.

According to the official reports, the Pope is retiring because he claims to feel “tired” and “old”. But everyone knows that a good, righteous person derives his energy and vitality directly from God, so what gives?

One possible explanation is that his use of the Dark Side of the Force is finally catching up with him. After all, how do you even get to be Pope after being a Nazi and a (alleged) child molester (some say) unless you are drawing on some very deep and very powerful evil forces in the universe?


THEORY #3: A gay love/sex triangle soap-opera murder mystery theater.

There is actually an ongoing criminal investigation going on concerning a situation that could best be described as plot-fodder for one of those daytime televisions series with overly-attractive people in them.

Alois Estermann, the newly appointed commander of the Swiss Guard army that protects the pope, was bisexual and had a taste for the hot young new recruits that arrived each year. His favorite had been fresh-faced, 23 year old Cedric Tornay, who was a corporal in the Swiss Guard. But, since everyone know that 23 years old is “long in the tooth” by Vatican standards, Estermann started letting his attention turn to the newer, and younger, recruits. Poor Cedric, infatuated with his superior, was jilted and turned on Estermann and his supermodel wife (because what slutty bisexual man doesn’t have a supermodel wife these days?) and killed them both before taking his own life.

Allegedly. (This investigation is ongoing.)

Now, there is no reason to think that the Pope himself would have any reason to resign over all of this horrific embarassment…..

…or is there?

Some say that the Pope might have been more involved in this event than previously thought. Some say that the Pope might have known about it all along, and may perhaps have even encouraged some of it. Some people could even say, if they wanted to, that the Pope might have been videotaping some of these encounters for his own pleasure.

We have no evidence of any of this, of course, but that definitely would explain a sudden resignation by the Pope, now wouldn’t it?

THEORY #4: The Pope resigned out of embarrassment over the Superbowl lip-synching scandal.

Now, some people might find this argument far-fetched. However, this story was broken at CitizenSchwartz.com and the following quotation attributed to the Pope definitely rings true:

“I deeply regret that so many young Catholics felt hurt because I did not use my own voice when called to do so, but rather mouthed along to pre-recorded and pre-determined words designed only to make the Papacy and Church look better through a lavish and theatrically staged performance.”

We have to admit, whether the Pope was involved in the Superbowl or not, the above quotation coming from the Pope is, to say the least, 100% and completely plausible.

Pope Benedict protects us from liberal bias

Pope Benedict illustrates the dangers of gay marriage using a gay hat as a prop.

Pope Benedict illustrates the dangers of gay marriage using a gay hat as a prop.


Youth minister Greg Stevens writes an open letter to Pope Benedict XVI to thank him for his efforts to rid the world of liberal bias.

Dear Pope Benedict,

As the leader of the largest and oldest Christian tradition on planet Earth, you have tirelessly fought to bring light, joy, and peace to the human condition. You have reminded us that condoms are okay, but only when used by male prostitutes to slow the spread of HIV. You eloquently wrote that, as Christians, we should pray before each and every time we have sex. You have helped us fight against the tragic “tsunami of secular influence” by blessing the condemnation of birth control, speaking out against the feminazi nuns, and even opening a personal Twitter account to better spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

And this past December, you did it again. You have once again proven your incredible ability to lead millions of Christians in the loving, humble and beautiful way of Jesus by reminding us all that gays are a “manipulation of nature”.

As a single, 85 year old virgin, your God-inspired wisdom on relationships is absolutely vital. Yours is a voice that we Christians cherish and proclaim with great pride.

Because you couldn’t be more right in pointing out that gay marriage represents an attack on traditional marriage that is for “the exclusive profit of a tiny minority”. Jesus might have been into helping some minorities, but obviously not the “tiny” minorities.

It is also absolutely true that marriage is rooted in fiscal irresponsibility. I can only hope that the millions of dollars given by Catholics around the world this next Sunday could be used to combat such lucrative attacks on our faith.

So I wanted to reach out and thank you.

Thank you for equipping priests around the globe to model healthy relationships with women and men, but most importantly our children. After all, it is our Priests who’ve followed the Gospel of Mark’s story of Jesus  so faithfully, “People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them…” (Mark 10:13, New International Version).

Thank you for valuing liberty and justice for all in your incredible ability to speak truth to the manipulation of love. It is love that we must speak to before we can ever begin to understand how to respond to global poverty, human slave-trade and environmental degradation. It is important to rebuke homosexuals, because maybe once they get love right, we good Christians can move on to working on other societal problems.

Thank you for holding fast to the belief in natural relationships. As believers in the Bible, we must never forget the importance of natural scientific facts. After all, sin entered this world through the deception of a talking snake.

And most of all, thank you for reminding us that same-sex, loving, and monogamous relationships are evil.

God Bless You.

Greg Stevens