Halloween and Christians: giving Halloween a modern Christian meaning

Halloween has been an issue for Christians for a long time, but Pastor Gregory has a solution: your children can celebrate Halloween without fear… all we have to do is make Halloween about Jesus Christ!

Luckily, Christians are really good at this kind of thing. They have been doing it for a long time. They took the Pagan December 25th Holiday Saturnalia and decided it REALLY is a celebration of the birth of Jesus! They took the Pagan spring festival, and decided it was REALLY about the resurrection of Jesus! So why not do the same thing for Halloween?

So for all you Christians who are saying, “How can I make it OK for my children to enjoy Halloween?” Pastor Gregory has an answer:

“What does the transfiguration of Jesus have to do with dressing up and October 31st? That’s the beautiful thing about Christian holidays… IT LITERALLY DOES NOT MATTER!”

Make sure you subscribe to our Youtube Channel to get notified about the latest episodes of Christian and Answer with Pastor Gregory.

Video direct link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bn5ARWJY_yA

Every scriptural argument for being a gun-toting, open-carry nutjob!

Some Christians ask, "What heat would Jesus pack?" But that is the wrong question.
Jesus wants you to pack heat. Jesus wants you to open-carry. And if society says that means you are a “crazy gun nut”…. then so be it!

Today’s letter is about the quintessential American topic: the relationship between guns and God.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

My son wants to buy a gun to protect our family. I have been hesitant to buy him the machine gun he wants because I thought my faith in Jesus meant I had to be non-violent or something. As a single mother I could really use his protection, but I want to know what is best for my family! Would Jesus carry a gun?

Concerned Parent

Well, I think we have to be careful how we interpret scripture here. Interpreting scripture can be very tricky. As we all know, since liberals always get it wrong.

So let’s start with Jesus. It might surprise you that I’m saying this, but Jesus would not carry a gun!

Why not, you ask? Not because he was some kind of sissy… but because Jesus was God and God doesn’t need guns! God uses lightening bolts, heart attacks, and hurricanes to wipe out sinners.

Why would Jesus carry a gun when he can flood the whole planet and “destroy every man whom [he has] created from the face of the earth” (Genesis 6:7)? Or when he can “rain down burning sulfur” like he did on the Homosexuals of Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis 19:4-5)? Or even when he can transform wicked women into pillars of salt, like with Lot’s heathen wife (Genesis 19:26).

So Jesus wouldn’t carry a gun… but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t!


Now, some liberals will take quotes out of context from scripture to try to claim that Jesus was non-violent. But obviously they are just cherry-picking. Even worse: they are cherry-picking the wrong things. So let me show you which passages you should cherry-pick instead:

“And David said to his men, ‘Every man strap on his sword!’ And every man of them strapped on his sword. David also strapped on his sword. And about four hundred men went up after David, while two hundred remained with the baggage.”1 Samuel 25:13

“The LORD is a man of war: the LORD is his name… Thy right hand, O LORD, is become glorious in power: thy right hand, O LORD, hath dashed in pieces the enemy.” –Exodus 15:6

“Blessed be the Lord, my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle…” – Psalm 144:1

 

“Now hang on a minute!” some liberals might say, “That was the Old Testament! What did Jesus ever say about packing heat?”

As it turns out, Jesus does want us to open-carry, and said so right in scripture. All it takes is applying the right kind of interpretation to the literal word of God.

For example, take the Sermon on the Mount.  “Blessed are the poor,” he said. But how could the poor ever be blessed when they’re just a bunch of lazy, government sucking, welfare queens? If they have guns, they are demonstrating for all to see that they are working hard to uphold their constitutional commitments! This directly honors God, since God wrote the constitution.

So obviously, when Jesus says “Blessed are the poor,” He is advocating open carry. It’s right there in the Bible.

Another example: “Blessed are the peacemakers…” also appears in the Sermon on the Mount. But how can we keep peace in our families and our churches without guns? To quote Reverend Pat Robertson, “Violent attacks and even deaths on church property occur far more often than people realize…The good news: you can protect yourself. What are you going to do? You going to give church members AK-47s at the door to let them blow away those intruders?”

So when Jesus says “Blessed are the peacemakers,” He is saying you should pack heat. It’s right there in the Bible.

Reverend Pat Robertson very wisely concludes, “What is the new Beatitude? Blessed are the fully armed for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.”

At this point, liberals usually whine something about “loving your enemies,” but once again this is a liberal misinterpretation of scripture. In Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis explained, “Does loving your enemy mean not punishing him? No, for loving myself does not mean that I ought not to subject myself to punishment — even to death.”

Obviously, when Jesus said “love your enemies” he meant you should kick their asses and shoot them in the face… but, you know, in a loving way.

Embrace your gun. Show off your gun. Love your gun. Liberals might call you a “gun-toting, open-carry nutjob” … but to me, that’s just another word for “Christian”!

It’s all right there, in the Bible.  Piece be with you,

Pastor Gregory

 

Right-wing Christianity: “If God loved you more, you wouldn’t need so much water.”

Today’s letter is about water, helping the unfortunate, and how to be a good Christian.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

I just recorded my video for the #IceBucketChallenge! I was super excited to help the ALS Association raise awareness and millions of dollars for this terrible illness. But then one friend of mine, a Christian like me, told me that Americans are hurting poor dehydrated children around the world by wasting water! Now I don’t know what to think. As a Christian, should I be giving water to poor foreign children?

Thanks,
Liam

Thanks for your letter, Liam.

People who say that it’s up to Christians to make sure that poor people have water clearly have not read and understood the Bible. Liberals have twisted and warped the word of the Lord to make it seem like we have to fix every little problem of suffering in the world… but that just isn’t so.

The Bible teaches us very clearly that it is not our job to make sure people have clean drinking water… that’s up to God!

In Isaiah 41:17-18 God says, “When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue is parched with thirst, I the Lord will answer them; I the God of Israel will not forsake them. I will open rivers on the bare heights, and fountains in the midst of the valleys. I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water.”

As conservative Christian, I look at that passage, and you know what I see? God is telling me that if a person is thirsty…. it’s his own damn fault!!!

Let me ask you a question, Liam. Do you have water? Of course.

Do I have water? You bet!

Ask yourself: Why?

Some LIBERALS would want you to believe it has to do with government utility regulations, plumbing, water purifying plants and modern technology… BUT THAT IS ALL NONSENSE!!

In John 4:14 Jesus says, “Whoever drinks of the water that I give will never be thirsty again.” Later he says again in John 7:38, “Whoever believes in me…out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.”

The reason you have water is that you are a good conservative Christian, like me. God loves you, Liam. He loves you so much. If he didn’t, you wouldn’t have water.

This is one of the core beliefs of conservative Christianity, you see: You are a sovereign person, you owe nothing to anybody, and everything that you have in this world you have because God gave it to you and you deserve it.

I know some people, especially liberal Christians (…as if that’s even really possible!!), will hear me say that and think I’m exaggerating. But I’m not: this is one of the keystone philosophies of conservative Christianity: you shouldn’t give anything of yours to the poor or the needy, because damnit if God didn’t WANT you to have that fancy car and that vacation home in the Cayman Islands, well he wouldn’t have given it to you in the first place!

Don’t just take my word for it, either! Pat Robertson has pointed out on many occasions that sick people are sick and deaf people are deaf because they did something wrong and God just doesn’t love them enough!

So you can rest easy, Liam. As a good conservative Christian, you have solid Biblical theology on your side. It’s your right to waste water, waste money, and keep all of your material luxuries for yourself. You’ve earned it… by loving God so much!

When Jesus said to help the poor, the starving, and the sick, he didn’t mean give up your hard-earned cash! That’s stupid. He just meant we need to get them to PRAY HARDER…. God will do the rest!

Quenched with Jesus,
Pastor Gregory

Dehydrated children just aren't praying hard enough

Tea Party caucus proposes bill to define new list of Founding Fathers

The Founding Fathers: Tea Party Style

The Tea Party has never been happy with some of the people who are considered Founding Fathers of the Unites States. Although no official list really exist, the Founding Fathers are generally assumed to include at least the Committee of Five (Robert Livingston, Roger Sherman, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and Benjamin Franklin), and often include other notable early American political figures as well, including George Washington, James Madison, Patrick Henry and George Mason. Some people consider anyone who signed the Declaration of Independence to be a Founding Father.

But several of the core Founding Father members, even members of the Committee of Five, don’t quite sit well with today’s Tea Party Conservatives. As a result, they have formed a new House Committee to propose legislation to officially declare the list of Founding Fathers to be Robert Livingston, Roger Sherman, George Washington, John Calvin, Ronald Reagan, and Jesus.

“George Washington was cool,” the chair of the committee remarked, “He said ‘It is impossible to govern the world without God and the Bible.’ Which is basically what we think, as Christian conservatives. But some of those other guys… come on. Thomas Jefferson? John Adams? And don’t even get me started with that weirdo freak Ben Franklin!”

This movement in the Tea Party really began in 2010, when the Texas Board of Education officially re-wrote history textbooks to eliminate Thomas Jefferson from the list of people who influenced the founding of the United States, and replaced him with John Calvin. Thomas Jefferson offends Tea Party politicians because he said, among other things,

“I am a Materialist. Among the sayings and discourses imputed to [Jesus] by His biographers, I find many passages of fine imagination, correct morality, and of the most lovely benevolence; and others, again, of so much ignorance, so much absurdity, so much untruth, charlatanism and imposture, as to pronounce it impossible that such contradictions should have proceeded from the same Being.”

John Calvin, on the other hand, is well-known for having put Geneva under religious martial law in 1537, and throwing people into prison for sleeping in church or inappropriately smiling during baptisms. Definitely a Tea Party Patriot.

John Adams is a bit more ambiguous. He did say, “The general principles on which the fathers achieved independence were. . . . the general principles of Christianity.” However, he also signed into a law a treaty that included the phrase, “the government of the United States of America is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion.” There is some dispute over where that line originally came from, but Paul Ryan, Rand Paul, and other members of the Tea Party caucus insist that any list of Founding Fathers must be totally and completely pure… and so John Adams is out. The Tea Party proposes Ronald Reagan as an alternate to fill his slot, although it is important to note that it wouldn’t be the real Ronald Reagan but actually just a collection of specific quotes and ideas from Ronald Reagan that the Tea Party likes.

Finally, Benjamin Franklin is definitely out. He overtly and plainly described himself as a “thorough Deist.” A Deist is a person who believes in the existence of a God or supreme, being but denies revealed religion, basing his belief on his own reason and observations of nature. Deists reject the Judeo-Christian accounts of God as well as the Bible.

Jesus is considered by many to be a favorite to replace Ben Franklin, although there is still some debate over whether “that hippie should cut his hair first.”

 

Who will George Bush paint next? (with illustrations)

It should come at no surprise that former leader of the free world, turned Christian artist, George W. Bush has once again channeled his godly painting powers. We’ve seen his nude selfies and colorful cat works of painted wonder but now Bush has stepped up his game with an uncanny ability to ham-handily paint world-leader portraits.

This set of painted passion highlights the incredible leaders Mr. Bush had the pleasure of meeting during his presidency; from the Dalai Lama to Vladimir Putin, Mr. Bush has stroked the canvas with unbelievable talent.

But I have a suggestion. Why can’t Mr. Bush take his God-given talent to shine the spotlight on conservative leaders right here at home?  Don’t they deserve the same level of honor and recognition as, for example, Mr. Putin? Through Mr. Bush’s talents we can turn this country around with God, guns, and good-old-fashioned water colors!

Here are three suggestions to inspire Mr. Bush’ conservative canvas crusade, with my interpretation of what his paintings will probably look like:

 

Justice RobeertsChief Justice John Roberts is first on the list for his uncanny ability to fight for our freedom to buy elections. Thanks to Roberts and his four fellow Republican justices, wealthy politically active Americans are no longer limited to donate a petty $123,200 but now can spend as much as they want. Freedom isn’t free and nor are elections.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuck Gast

Conservative martyr and former Mozilla CEO, Brendan Eich is second on the list for his unashamed commitment to Biblical homophobia. He and his company’s developers made some hefty donations to the anti-gay Proposition 8 campaign, to which LGBT* activists claimed he was violating Mozilla’s inclusion policies. In reality Brendan Eich was defending his religious freedom, making him a martyr for liberty!

 

 

 

 

Mozilla EichMissouri Rep. Chuck Gatschenberger gushes with GOP brilliance as he ignores the 260,000 Missourians who are going without affordable health care and focused on forcing women to wait 3 days before being allowed an abortion. He truly shined as he defended the bill against angry feminzai’s, “I was just considering getting carpeting in my house. That process probably took a month… I wanted to be as informed as possible, and that’s what this bill is, having them get as much information as possible.”

QUIZ: Fatwa or Tea Party Law?


The crazy liberal nut jobs are after us Republicans again! They’re now saying that the religious right and Muslim religious extremists are mirror images of one another. How dare they!? We all know it’s liberals like Barack Hussein Obama who are in the Muslim brotherhood!

So, to prove how different conservative Christians are from conservative Muslims, just take the following quiz. The results will speak for themselves!

Take the quiz!

1. It is illegal to base laws on science

2. The Sun revolves around the Earth

3. Girls are not allowed to dress like boys.

4. Rape is sometimes both legal and encouraged.

5. Stealing is not illegal if you are stealing from those beneath you.

6. Mickey Mouse is evil.

7. Anyone able to work should work, regardless of age.

8. If a policeman comes into your home, you may shoot him.

10 reasons conservatives CANNOT believe in the Big Bang Theory

God versus Big Bang Theory of the origin of the universe has receive supporting evidence recently

God versus Big Bang Theory of the origin of the universe has receive supporting evidence recently

Once again, science has found even more evidence for the “Big Bang Theory” of the origins of the universe. This whole “evidence” situation has gotten so bad that plenty of conservatives are ready to give up on their deeply-held beliefs. “So what if the universe is billions of years old?” they say. “After all, I can still believe that God  was the one who created the Big Bang in the first place, right?”

WRONG!!!!!!!

This kind of thinking completely ignores the stark realities of the political world we live in today. To understand the conservative position on the origin of the universe, you have to understand conservative psychology.

To that end, here are 10 good reasons why no real conservative can ever, ever, EVER accept the Big Bang theory of the creation of the universe:

1. If you admit the universe is old, THE OTHER SIDE WINS

And they will gloat. And they will rub it in your face. You don’t want that, do you?

2. If you admit the universe is old, YOU ARE BETRAYING YOUR OWN KIND

Plenty of Republican politicians have gotten up in front of people and said they don’t believe in the Big Bang. If you suddenly say that you are a conservative, and you do believe in the Big Bang… well, they’ll just feel stupid, won’t they? These are good people, with honest hearts. Why would you do that to them? Huh? Why?

3. If God meant us to believe in things like “background radiation” and “quarks”, they would be in the Bible

The Hebrew word for “quark” is קווארק and it doesn’t appear anywhere in Genesis. Genesis mentions everything that is important: animals, plants, people, sea monsters, and so on. Obviously, these “quark” things that physicists talk about are not important.

4. God would never do that

It’s pretty clear that God’s entire focus is just on human beings and nothing else, and creating a big universe that existed for billions of years just makes no sense. What a waste of time.

5. If the Big Bang theory might be right, then THE LIBERALS WIN

We can’t allow them to be right about ANYTHING. At all. Don’t you understand????

6. The Big Bang theory is just a trick to get people to believe in evolution

We can’t allow people to believe the Big Bang theory, because it’s a slippery slope. If they believe the Big Bang theory, next they might believe evolution. If they believe evolution, it automatically follows that all morality is relative and people can marry squid and mass murder may as well be acceptable DO YOU WANT TO LIVE IN THAT HELL HOLE????

7. The Big Bang theory is just a tool to make you feel less special

According to the Big Bang theory, you’re not special. But that is mean, why would anyone tell you that you’re not special??? You ARE SPECIAL. And you deserve to feel special. See? I told you the Big Bang theory was wrong.

8. If you admit that religious people might be wrong about the age of the earth, you are BETRAYING YOUR RELIGION.

Think of all of those nice people at church. These are people you spend Sundays with, and trade baked goods with. They are nice people, who care about you. They are sweet and generous. Why would you BETRAY THEM by saying that the earth is more than 6,000 years old? Why would you do such a thing? WHY?

9. Barack Obama believes in the Big Bang theory

Actually, he’s never said that publicly. But he just looks like the kind of person who does. You don’t want to agree with Barack Obama about anything. People might think you’re a socialist. Or a demon. Or pervert. Or a socialist demon-pervert.

10. If the Big Bang theory is right, THE OTHER SIDE WINS

Did you not get the memo? It’s us against them. You HAVE to believe that the universe is 6,000 years old. You have to, because that’s what our side believes. If you believe something different, it’s like you are rooting for the other team to win. And they are bad people. They believe in murdering fetuses and sodomizing each other. You don’t want people like THAT to win, do you? DO YOU?????

 


 

Help the cause by passing around these stickers:

I don't believe #1 I don't believe #2I don't believe #3

God’s Law: 13 laws to make America a REAL Christian Nation

Is America a Christian nation? Of course! Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay teaches us that the word of God has “manifested in what is called the Constitution of the United States. God created this nation and God created the Constitution; it is written on biblical principles.” DeLay gets it: he’s the real deal, a full fledge bible-believing-Jesus-loving-God-fearing Republican.

It’s about time the rest of us conservatives join Delay’s mission. We must stop just calling America “God’s country” and begin to truly act it out! God has given us a beautiful vision of American Theocracy.  The Biblical narrative is rich in poetic legal codes that we too can use as we develop, under the complete and total reign of God, a true Conservative American Theocracy!

Here’s a short list of God’s legislative plan on purifying the filthy liberals in our great nation through American Theocracy:

Gods Law: free baby birds for everyone!God’s Law #1: Imprison anyone and everyone who eats cats. They are the animals of God’s fiercest desire, they’ve been specifically created for BuzzFeed articles and Instagram pictures. A grumpy cat makes for a grumpy God. (Leviticus 11:27)

God’s Law #2: Pet Shops MUST give away baby birds to anyone who asks. End of story.  (Deuteronomy 22:6-7)

God’s Law #3: Ruthlessly slaughter anyone with a different religion… except Mormons, thanks to Mitt Romney even God can be paid off. (Deuteronomy 17:2-7)

God's Law: go live in a treeGod’s Law #4: Once a year every American MUST live in a tree.  (Leviticus 23:39-43)

God’s Law #5: Imprison anyone with an un-cut penis. Ain’t nobody got time for all that extra skin! (Genesis 17:11)

God’s Law #6: Every college football fan and player must “Tebow” after every play, after all Saturday football is on the Sabbath. God specifically commanded against any work on the Sabbath, but when you look as good as Tim Tebow, even God makes exceptions. (Leviticus 23:3)

God's Law: touch a furry puppy and go to prison for lifeGod’s Law #7: If you even toucheth a furry puppy, you get imprisoned for life. Filthy sinner. (Leviticus 5:2)

God’s Law #8: If your puppy tries to hump your leg, you must kill it. (Leviticus 20:15-16)

God’s Law #9: Ugly people shall be punished by law! With enough Botox, God’s vision is to create The Real House Wives of America Theocracy. (Leviticus 21:17-18)

God’s Law #10: Mandatory 5 days in prison for any of those teenage-mutants with torn up clothes and ripped jeans. Fashion is meant to be holy, not a holey mess. (Leviticus 10:6)

Gods Law: thou shalt hate flowersGod’s Law #11: Thou shalt hate flowers! Clean your hands and brush off those knees ladies, getting down and dirty wasn’t meant for the garden but the bedroom. (Leviticus 19:19)

God’s Law #12: Crucify any Mother that goes to church within 33 days of giving birth to a boy, and 66 days after giving birth to a girl. Girls are far more of a hassle to raise than men, so God requires women to stay at home and do their duties. (Leviticus 4-5)

God’s Law #13: Burn anyone at the stake that doesn’t attend Christmas and Easter church services. And even if they do show up, imprison them if they don’t put money in the offering plate. (Exodus 23:14)

The Arizona Bible, and the 5 Commandments of Cake

The 5 Commandments of Cake

The single most important issue in Arizona politics today is cake. Christians want to be allowed to follow their deeply-held beliefs about who gets cake, and who does not get cake.

They have told the world that giving cake to homosexuals is AGAINST THEIR RELIGION. It is against the Bible, and against the teachings of Jesus. If you force them to sell cake to homosexuals then you are forcing them to go against the most deeply-held beliefs of their Christianity!

But is it really true?

As it happens, the Bible only mentions “cake” three times, and it is in the context of David giving cakes of dates and raisins to people (1 Samuel 30:12, 2 Samuel 6:19, and 1 Chronicles 16:3). These were not wedding cakes. I’m not sure what would happen if you tried to make a wedding cake out of dates and raisins, but I’m pretty sure those customers would not be happy.

So the Bible doesn’t literally say that Christians can’t sell cakes to homosexuals. In fact, the Bible doesn’t actually forbid Christians from engaging in any types of economic transactions with homosexuals.

Moreover, Jesus was known for giving stuff, including baked goods, away for free to large numbers of people. Often to sinners.

So according to most Biblical scholarship, there is nothing in Christian belief that forbids Christians from selling cake to homosexuals.

So where do Arizona Christians get this idea from?

Apparently, the Arizona Christian Bible is different. In Arizona, they know God better than God knows himself.

It’s possible that in Arizona, the Bible says that they are not allowed to sell bread to black people.  Maybe soon we will find out that Arizona Christians are morally obligated to not sell croissants to Jews.

What’s to stop them? In Arizona, apparently they are just so darned Christian that they can make shit up, and call any feeling they have a “deeply held Christian belief” that they want the rest of the world to respect.

So, in the spirit of the very special Arizona Bible, which has nothing to do with actual Christianity, we present to you:

THE FIVE COMMANDMENTS OF CAKE! 
(from the Arizona Bible, 2014 Edition)

The 5 Commandments of Cake
Excerpt from the official Arizona Bible, 2014 Edition, followed by all Good Arizona Christians.

 

IMPORTANT NOTICE: being openly Christian is courageous, being openly gay is not

Look, there seems to be a lot of confusion going around right now about what is and is not courageous when it comes to NFL football. As a public service announcement, we’d like to clear things up.

When you publicly announce or advertise your Christianity, effectively shoving it down people’s throats despite the fact that it has nothing to do with football, calling all of this attention to yourself based purely on the mere fact that you want everyone to know that you are Christian…… the verdict is: VERY COURAGEOUS.

Rush Limbaugh: Tebow showed courage.

Sean Hannity: What a courageous young man.

“Before It’s News”: Tim Tebow is blessed and courageous! It takes courage to be biblical!

 

On the other hand, when you publicly announce or advertise your homosexuality, effectively shoving it down people’s throats despite the fact that it has nothing to do with football, calling all of this attention to yourself based on the mere fact that you want everyone to know that you are homosexual…… the verdict is: NOT COURAGEOUS.

Rush Limbaugh: Announcing that you like to have sex with another man is not courageous!

Sean Hannity: This has nothing to do with football. Why are we even talking about this?

Some other minor radio host in Dallas: Who cares? I don’t want to know what he does in his spare time. It’s not courageous to throw it in our faces.

 


 

You see, ladies and gentlemen, it take real courage to let people know that you are a Christian. Christians, who make up 76% of the population in the United States, are completely shut out of the mainstream. Since every single President since Andrew Johnson and the vast majority of all politicians have always been Christian, it’s pretty clear that admitting to being a Christian is a shameful thing that people want to avoid.

It does NOT take courage, on the other hand, to let people know that you are a member of a minority group that regularly are victims of actual physical hate crimes and constantly suffer from teasing and ostracizing. It especially doesn’t take courage in organizations like the NFL, where there are coaches who have said that all gay people should be shipped to an island and nuked.

I mean, why would you think that takes courage? That’s just stupid.

What does it mean to be courageous?

FACTCHECK: Did Phil Robertson quote scripture?

Now that the dust has settled on the Duck Dynasty debacle, everyone has had a chance to take a deep breath and relax in the knowledge that nothing has really changed. It is worth examining one of the keystone claims under debate about the clash between Phil Robertson and A&E:

Was Phil Robertson suspended from A&E (temporarily) for quoting scripture?

The left, of course, claims that he was not. They claim that he was suspended (temporarily) for being crass, rude, insulting and offensive.

The right, on the other hand, claims that he was suspended (temporarily) for merely uttering the words of the Lord Almighty as transcribed in the Holy Bible (Amen).

Unfortunately, all that A&E said was that he was suspended for “offensive remarks”, without precisely spelling out which words were at issue. So we are left with something of a scavenger hunt: were any of the “offensive” things that Phil said actually Bible Verse?

Let us examine his actual words.

QUOTE:

“It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying?”

VERDICT

Probably not a Bible Verse. Despite performing a large number of searches for different combinations of key phrases such as “there’s more there!” and “know what I’m saying?” and “anus”, nothing even remotely like this seems to be in the Bible. Which is a shame, because more people would probably read the Bible if it talked more about the relative merits of anus and vagina.

Anus in the Bible

QUOTE:

“Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men.”

VERDICT

Probably not a Bible Verse. Although the last part does bear some similarity to the lyrics of the 1990’s dance song “Girls and Boys” by Blur. Someone should check into that. Otherwise, the Bible doesn’t discuss very many things using the term “morph out from there”.

 

QUOTE:

“From the beginning Jesus said, ‘It is a man and a woman.’ Adam was made and Eve was made for this reason. They left their fathers and mothers and be united to become one flesh, that’s what marriage is all about.”

VERDICT

ALMOST A BIBLE VERSE! This is very nearly Matthew 19:4-5, in which Jesus says: “Don’t you know that in the beginning the Creator made a man and a woman? That’s why a man leaves his father and mother and gets married. He becomes like one person with his wife.”

Awesome. However, the problem is that this was Jesus answering the Pharisees in Matthew 19:3, who asked, “Is it right for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?”

So this quote is about the terrible sinfulness of divorce. It has nothing to do with homosexuality. Or at least: it didn’t when Jesus said it.

 

QUOTE:

“Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God.”

VERDICT

ALMOST A BIBLE VERSE! The quote that he was aiming for here was 1 Corinthians 6:9-10. Unfortunately, this is a fairly tricky verse to deal with, because of the many different ways that it has been translated.

Let’s look at just a few examples of the key homo passage in 1 Corinthians 6:9.

New International Version
Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men

New Living Translation

Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality,

World English Bible
Don’t be deceived. Neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor male prostitutes, nor homosexuals,

English Standard Version
Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality,

NET Bible

Do not be deceived! The sexually immoral, idolaters, adulterers, passive homosexual partners, practicing homosexuals,

Jubilee Bible 2000

Do not err: neither fornicators nor idolaters nor adulterers nor effeminate nor homosexuals

King James Bible
Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,

King James 2000 Bible
Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,

American King James Version
Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,

Weymouth New Testament

Cherish no delusion here. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor any who are guilty of unnatural crime,

Young’s Literal Translation
be not led astray; neither whoremongers, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor sodomites,

Douay-Rheims Bible
Do not err: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers,

 


 

We can see immediately that there are some problems with the “inerrant word of the Lord” when we compare these side-by-side. Although the word “homosexual” appears in one form or another in most of these translations, it does not appear in all of them and it does not appear in any of the versions of the very famous “King James” translation.

Should we really assume that certain slangy phrases, like “abusers of themselves with mankind”, really do refer to homosexualism? Even if we do assume that, the last several translations on the list do not mention homosex at all in any form.

Some people argue that Young’s Literal Translation includes homosexuality in “sodomites”, but this is technically incorrect: “sodomy” simply refers to any act that is not penis-to-vagina intercourse, and therefore a heterosexual man who likes getting blowjobs is “sodomite” and a celibate gay person is not.

(Side Note: You gotta love the NET Bible, which calls out a specific sexual position. Apparently being gay is bad, but if you’re the one getting boinked then it’s REALLY bad. You get extra special sin points for being the “bottom”, and even more so if you like show tunes and fashionable outfits, it seems.)

 


 

The Final Verdict: MEH… CLOSE ENOUGH

None of the things that Phil Robertson were actually Bible quotes, but to of them were kind of close and the other two were stuff that Jesus was probably thinking and just never got around to writing down.

So, we might as well just give this a “Politifact Mostly True” rating and call it a day.

Mostly Bullshit

It’s the end of the world as we know it… and Obama feels fine!

Michele Bachmann, Revelations Angel

With neo-marxist Barack Hussein Obama leading our country into the demise of liberal hedonism we as Christians should wake up and realize God is sending us ample signs: we are in the End Times!

Now I know what you are thinking: You’ve heard this before. Harold Camping told us that the End Times of Revelations would come in 2011. Pat Robertson told us it would happen in 2007. Sun Myung Moon and Jerry Falwell both said it would be in 2000. Nostradamus said it would happen in 1999. 17th-century Irish Archbishop James Ussher predicted the world would end 6000 years after Creation, which everyone knows was back in 1997.

Obviously, they were all wrong. But THIS TIME IT’S TRUE AND I’M SURE OF IT.

How do I know?

First of all, the brilliant and Christ-like U.S. Rep. Michelle Bachmann, who oozes with the love of Jesus, has recently revealed to us,

“[President Barack Obama’s support of Syrian rebels] happened and as of today the United States is willingly knowingly intentionally sending arms to terrorists now what this says to me I’m a believer in Jesus Christ as I look at the End Times scripture this says to me that the leaf is on the fig tree and we are to understand the signs of the times we are to understand where we are in God’s end…”

Now, what could be more clear?

What is more, Michelle Bachmann herself is predicted in the Bible! Her joyous and uplifting political speeches are obviously what the Holy Bible envisions: “And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations… and then shall the end come.” (Matthew 24:14). It is almost as if the Bible is telling us that Michelle Bachmann’s political speeches will cause the end of the world.

But wait, there’s more.

The recent government shutdown debauchery has shown the great division between the Conservative majority and the liberal socialism of the Democratic party. The Gospel of Luke prophesied this shutdown:

“Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and a house divided against a house falleth” (Luke11:17).

The House has falleth! (Is it just a  coincidence that we call it “The House” of Representatives? I think not.)

And that’s just the beginning. Obama’s erotic fixation with legalizing gays and their anal-antics was prophesied in Timothy:

“They (the liberals) forbid people to marry (heterosexuals) and order them to abstain from certain foods (vegetarianism), which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who know the truth” (1 Timothy 4:3-4).

The Biblical prophecies continue to send shivers down my spine, as the Gospel of Matthew foresaw the many wars we’ve experienced in the past decade:

“And ye shall hear of wars … For nation shall rise against nation and kingdom against kingdom” (Matthew 24:6-7).

We not only see wars between nations, but also wars against the pro-life movement and the current Obamacare war against affluent Americans, forcing them to redistribute their individually-hard-earned wealth.

Mr. Hussein Obama and his liberal Marxists Democratic friends are also waging a violent assault on the free-market—the only economic system ever to truly bring prosperity. Interestingly enough, the prophesies in Revelation predicted this would happen,

“And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name” (Revelation 13:17).

What’s the mark of the beast you ask? Liberal trade regulations!

With the End Time’s Biblical prophesies unraveling before our very eyes, we must remember that on that day when Jesus rides in from the clouds to save us from the Obama political nightmare we will rejoice! As Michelle Bachman said, “Rather than seeing this as a negative, we need to rejoice, Maranatha, come Lord Jesus, His day is at hand…”

“So likewise ye, when ye shall see all these things, know that it is near, even at the doors. Verily I say unto you, this generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled” (Matthew 24:33-34).

 

Modern-day prophet, Britney Spears, delivers hard economic truths

Britney Spears: noted conservative economist

Cutting 4 million people from the national food stamps program is by far the most Christian political move our nation can make this year. Just ask Britney Spears.

Consider Britney Spears’ new gloriously up-beat and awe inspiring song, “Work B*tch”. Although it is cleverly disguised as a pop song, this hymn of economic conservatism makes it clear that the problems many of the shameful Americans choosing to live in poverty could be solved with one simple solution we conservatives have been shouting for years: “Work B*tch!”

It sure is amazing how God uses all people, even Britney Spears, to communicate some of the most fundamental truths about reality,

 

You want a hot body? You want a Bugatti?
You want a Maserati? You better work bitch

You want a Lamborghini? Sippin martinis?
Look hot in a bikini? You better work bitch

 

This poetic display of economic brilliance shatters the liberal lies about the “importance” of contextualization, education, and other small pointless variables! Those who chose to live in the misery of poverty, with a poor education, a poor access to the amenities of life, shouldn’t expect me and my wealthy friends to pay for their problems.

 

The tragic myth that the Christian faith requires one to support legislation that promotes the dignity and worth of all humanity is, frankly, disgusting. If these poor people were actually Christian, they wouldn’t be poor!

It’s often repeated in the Proverbs that poverty is a sign of sluggish weakness and not the power of Christ in you that makes you poor.

“The way of the sluggard is blocked with thorns, but the path of the upright is a highway.” Proverbs 15:19

The message the bible and we political engaged Christians should be telling those who support the continual funding of the socialist food stamps program is just as the Proverb says, “stop being a lazy fool and get on the highway of success!”

The most Christian response to the food stamp debauchery of the political left is to let those few hungry people starve. If they struggle to survive, they might actually fight for the life we Christians cherish so much.

Former Ohio Secretary of State Ken Blackwell explained it in the Christian Post, saying that there is “nothing more Christian” than kicking low-income, hungry, children and families off food stamps.

But the same idea is summarized more succinctly by Mrs. Spears, “You better work bitch!”

 

The FCC wants you to pluck out your own eyeballs.

Muscular Jesus

Earlier this year the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) announced it would consider dropping its ban on explicit profanity and “non-sexual” nudity. This is un-Christian, ungodly, and cannot be allowed to stand!

Now, some people might say: Was Jesus really against nudity and swearing? Where in the Bible does it say that that television should not have swear words or nudity?

Well, I’m glad that you asked.

Consider Ephesians 4:29, where God speaks through the Apostle Paul: “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” (King James Version)

As good, upstanding Christians, the question we must ask is this: Does calling someone a    tit-fucking cock-sucking piss-fuck piece of shit     minister grace unto the hearers?

Tsk tsk tsk. I think not.

And the Psalmist says, “may the words of our mouths and the meditations of our hearts be pleasing to you oh Lord”.

If God is anything like me—and I think He is—then He most certainly does not find that kind of potty-mouth talk pleasing!

 

Now,  consider Matthew 5, where Jesus says:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Obviously, if we allow public television to broadcast nudity, it is basically asking every man in America to commit adultery! And what about our children? Does the FCC want our children to be forced to commit (mental) adultery, too? That’s disgusting.

And this is only the beginning. As Jesus continues his teaching on lust and sexuality, he says,  

“If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away.”

 

Could this possibly be any more clear? If you believe in the Bible, and you understand it to be God’s inspired and infallible Word, you cannot ignore or deny passages like this. By asking you to listen to cuss words and watch nudity, the FCC is basically demanding that you TEAR OUT YOUR OWN EYEBALLS!

Is that really what you want?

 

Muscular Jesus
photo found via The Gospel of the Super Jesus, original artist unknown

So don’t be blinded by the liberal view of Jesus. He is not a pacifist, Earth loving, hippie: Jesus was a rough, tough, and powerful God-man! His words spoke like a sword piercing the darkness.  As articulated by the very wise Pastor Mark Driscoll:

“Some emergent types [want] to recast Jesus as a limp-wrist hippie in a dress with a lot of product in His hair, who drank decaf and made pithy Zen statements about life while shopping for the perfect pair of shoes. In Revelation, Jesus is a pride fighter with a tattoo down His leg, a sword in His hand and the commitment to make someone bleed. That is a guy I can worship. I cannot worship the hippie, diaper, halo Christ because I cannot worship a guy I can beat up.”

This is a true, conservative vision of Christ. A masculine Christ.

And everyone knows, a truly masculine Jesus wouldn’t want to hear naughty words or see lady bits on the television!

For the sake of our families, for the sake of our Nation, we must stand up and take action against the FCC in their recent attempts at allowing vulgarity and nudity to rule the airwaves.

And if we do not…. prepare to cut your eyes out.

Domestic Terrorism, Right-Wing Extremism, and Liberal Bias

Right-Wing Extremists.

Right-Wing Extremists.

You probably hear liberals talk a lot about Right-Wing Extremism. It is important that you know how to combat this kind of liberally biased talk when you hear it.

In fact, just yesterday on his radio show, Sean Hannity said: “Leftists are saying that the Boston Marathon bombing is probably right-wing extremists! Where does this idea come from?”

Well, Mister Hannity, allow us to explain: it comes from liberally biased “statistics”.

West Point has released a study, called “Challenges from the Sidelines: Understanding America’s Violent Far-Right”, identifying so-called “right wing extremist groups” as a major source of domestic terrorism in the United States.

The New America Foundation has also produced the graph, above, showing that from 2002 to 2007 only nine right-wing extremists were indicted for their roles in politically motivated murders and violent assaults, but between 2008 and 2012 that number mushroomed to 53.

That same group has also pointed out that since 9/11, at least 29 people living in the United States have been killed by right-wing extremists, while only 17 have been killed by jihadist extremists.

It is data like this that snooty liberals are talking about when they talk about “Right-Wing Terrorism”.

The key question, then, is this:

How can conservatives combat this message about “right-wing terrorism”?

After scouring the Internets, we have concluded that the following approach represents the best tactic that is most commonly used by professionals:

1) Point out that just because groups like anti-Abortion groups and the KKK call themselves Christian, doesn’t mean they are really Christian. They are clearly not “mainstream” Christian.

(Warning: There will be some liberals who try to claim that Islamic terrorists are also not real Muslims. But do not let them try to get away with this kind of tricky word-play. You are a good Christian, after all, so who would know better than you what a “real Muslim” is?)

2) Point out that although some pro-life people are violent, the vast majority of them are not, and condemn violence completely.

(Warning: There will be some liberals who try to claim that although some Muslims are violent, but the vast majority of Muslims are not violent and do not hate America. But do not let them fool you! Obviously these “non-violent Muslims” don’t exist, or else why wouldn’t you have heard about them on Fox News?)

Most importantly, just keep repeating the key word “mainstream” over and over again whenever possible. 53 violent right-wing murders and assaults in four years is clearly just a random collection of unrelated crazy people. It obviously isn’t a pattern of any kind.

To suggest that would be just to give in to liberal bias!!!

 

graph data source: New America Foundation
graph found via: Hermit’s Holler

related post: My rights as a gun owner! (VIDEO PSA)