Liberal Bias Top 5 most popular videos of 2014!

Our weekly Youtube show, Helzel’s View, grew immensely in popularity since it started earlier this year. Here are the top most-viewed videos by Zach Heltzel on the Liberal Bias Video Youtube channel!!


NUMBER 5: I am American mass murderer. I will not stop killing, and this is why.

I am American mass murderer. I will not stop killing, and this is why.
In this video, American Mass Murderer explains why he keeps on killing, and what needs to happen before he will stop.


NUMBER 4: Ted Cruz will BREAK THE LAW if he runs for President in 2016

Ted Cruz will BREAK THE LAW if he runs for President in 2016
Ted Cruz’s bid to be the GOP Presidential Candidate in 2016 is illegal, unconstitutional, and maybe a violation of reptilian animal rights.


NUMBER 3: The entire Benghazi scandal and coverup reenacted in only two minutes

The entire Benghazi scandal and coverup reenacted in only two minutes
Discover all of the facts and the entire timeline of the Benghazi cover-up and scandal, reenacted in two minutes.


NUMBER 2 (ALMOST THERE): Conservative quotes proving that racism is totally over in America

Conservative quotes proving that racism is totally over in America
We have collected a montage of the best quotes from conservative icons proving beyond any doubt that there is no racism in America any more!



Superman will eventually have assless red underwear, because LIBERALS.

Superman will eventually have assless red underwear, because LIBERALS.
Liberals are just ruining life for straight white men, and now they are ruining comic books. Zach Heltzel predicts the future of Marvel.


Liberal Bias Top 5 most popular articles of 2014!

From Obama’s tyrannical executive orders to restaurants charging Obamacare fees, here are the top 10 most popular articles from 2014 that expose the demons and danger of that dreaded LIBERAL BIAS!!


NUMBER 5: Is there a war on masculinity? Yes, but not the one you think., 20 Jan 2014 by Zach Heltzel

Is there a war on masculinity? Yes, but not the one you think.
Masculine young men are, in fact, so obsessed with musculature and masculinity that they idolize men who are better looking than themselves. This obsession simulates the same neurological response as attraction… thus making all men who aspire to be masculine feel urges and feelings that are …. well, kinda gay.


NUMBER 4: It is un-American to criticize the President during a time of war!, 04 Sep 2014, by The Daily Edge

It is un-American to criticize the President during a time of war!
If you are a Fox News viewer, you know that it is unpatriotic and positively un-American to criticize anything that our President, George W. Bush, has ever done to protect us from the terrorists he failed to protect us from on 9/11! All of that criticism of President George Bush is just offensive, and un-American. Oh, by the way… can you believe what a screw up this Obama guy is?


NUMBER 3: Aging White Voters Still Mad at Black Man Who Fixed Economy, 05 Nov 2014, by The Daily Edge

Aging White Voters Still Mad at Black Man Who Fixed Economy
Republicans rode a wave of aging white male rage to reclaim the Senate, increase their leadership in the House, and win key Gubernatorial races this Tuesday. Turnout among 60+ voters soared to 37% of the total.


NUMBER 2 (ALMOST THERE): 10 best signs I saw at the White Man March, 17 Mar 2014, by Zach Heltzel

10 best signs I saw at the White Man March
If you could not attend your local White Man March, I made sure to take a lot of pictures. Unsurprisingly, most of the attendees would not give me permission to take their picture because the NSA is out to get them. Otherwise, I would show you my favorite sign of the event, which said “There are too many women in comedy!”…but these ten signs are almost as good.



Restaurant sells 15 cent cheeseburger, prints a totally honest receipt

Restaurant sells 15 cent cheeseburger, prints a totally honest receipt
Diner owner sells cheeseburgers for 15 cents, but the bill the customers got freaked them out! Check out exactly what was listed on this receipt… and what wasn’t.


A BIG BAD LIST: 25 things that Ebola is like!

Ebola has a liberal bias! This is not a conspiracy.
This picture proves that Ebola is like Mickey Mouse. Of course, everyone has already been talking about the fact that the responsible reporters at CNN think Ebola is like ISIS:

Ebola is ISIS, obviously.

But this is really only the beginning. Since Ebola has (obviously) been the only important topic in the entire world for the last week or so, there has been plenty of opportunity for people to come up with deep insights about things that Ebola is like.

Thus, we present to you the Big Bad Compendium Of Stuff Ebola Is Like, courtesy of the Internets:

Ebola is like a terrorist.

Ebola is like being bitten by a pitt bull with AIDS.

Ebola is like a Great White Shark.

Ebola is like a flying spider.

Ebola is like roaches.

Ebola is like a forest fire.

Ebola is like an artificially tanned guy wearing white-rimmed sunglasses inside a bar at night.


(…..pause for a moment and re-read that last one…..)


Ebola is like a gun that makes its own bullets.

Ebola is like the flu.

Ebola is like chicken pox.

Ebola is like scurvy.

Ebola is like chlamydia.

Ebola is like…. menses?  (TAKE NOTE, WOMEN!)

Ebola is like Shadow People.

Ebola is like lightning.

Ebola is like

Ebola is like liberalism. (WELL DUH)

Ebola is like oil (and gold and coffee).

Ebola is like a marauding army.

Ebola is like a train wreck.


Ebola is like muslims.

Ebola is like Muslims


Ebola is like terrorism AND diarrhea.

Ebola is like terrorism. And diarrhea.


Ebola is like…. a penny!

Ebola is like a penny


….and finally:


(…pretty deep, huh?)




Five scientific facts PROVING climate change is a hoax!

Climate Change is not a fact, but the Rapture is, because my evidence is better than your evidence!

Aren’t you sick of the way liberals treat the calculations of so-called scientists–and even leading accounting firms like PWC–with so much reverence? All they can ever talk about is their liberal “facts” and their liberal “data”. Just this week you’d have read that:

CO2 levels are rising at a dramatically faster rate.”

More than half of US bird species threatened by climate change.”

We’re 20 years away from catastrophe, warns PricewaterhouseCoopers.”

None of that makes any sense to a Christian conservative. You see, what atheist liberals don’t understand is that God never makes any mistakes. Therefore, we have a few “facts” and “data” on our side as well:

FACT: God must want us to burn fossil fuels, because why else would he have buried so many fossils when he created the world 6,000 years ago?

FACT: God must want us to be rich, why else would he have made it so easy to send cash to Joel Osteen?

FACT: God wants us to know that climate change is a ridiculous stupid hoax, because otherwise why would he invent Fox News?

Atheist liberals are so fond of statistics, but here are the statistics that matter:

FACT: Only 24% of Americans–and only 10% of Republicans and Republican leaners–worry a “great deal” about the environment.

Why not? Because they trust God…. oh, and because THE RAPTURE IS COMING.

FACT: 41% of all Americans… more than half of the people living in the South… and 6 in 10 Evangelicals believe Jesus will return to Earth before 2050.

So there you have it, friends. Five scientific facts that prove that there is nothing to worry about. Let liberals plan their big climate march. Let world leaders make their pledges to take action.

Conservatives know better… because God.

THREE FACTS that prove corporations matter more than you do

Corporations are not only people, they are GREAT people. They are AWESOME people. They contribute to society in a positive way, unlike poor people and Democrats. Conservatives shouldn’t shy away from this basic fact. It’s a core part of conservative ideology, and there is nothing wrong with it: corporations matter, people who are not corporations…. not so much.

In celebration of the awesomeness of corporate persons, we present to you three  special examples that demonstrate the fact that corporations aren’t just people…. they are a higher quality of person than you are.

Corporations matter more than you

Example #1: When a corporation kills an employee by deliberately not following safety guidelines, it’s a misdemeanor. When an employee embezzles money from a company, it’s a felony.


Example #2: The maximum penalty for an individual using insider trading to steal from a corporation is $5 million and 20 years in prison. The maximum penalty for a corporation allowing safety violations that seriously endanger the lives of its employees: $7,000.


Example #3: The minimum penalty for a person who fails to obey a cease-and-desist order issued by a corporation: 6 months in prison. The minimum penalty for a corporation that kills an employee through negligence: nothing… OSHA does not require any minimum penalties.


Five specific GOP predictions about Obamacare: TRUE OR FALSE?

Back before Obamacare was passed, good conservative Republicans made MANY DIRE PREDICTIONS about all of the things that would go wrong with Obamacare if it was made into law.

Well, most of Obamacare has now been implemented, so let’s see how accurate these predictions were! Specifically, the Commonwealth Fund has released the results of a new survey to find out what people’s real, true, actual experiences with Obamacare have been.

PREDICTION 1: Obamacare won’t really cover any new people!

Republicans were making the sensible prediction that all Obamacare would do is make lazy people even lazier by making the taxpayers pay for their insurance, but it would not actually insure more people.


Obamacare: Uninsured Rate Declines

(About 9.5 million adults gained new coverage, and that figure does not include children.)

PREDICTION 2: The coverage provided by Obamacare will be worse!

Republicans predicted that people will be worse off with Obamacare plans than they were before, because Obamacare is socialist and socialism is always bad.


Obamacare: people are better off

(Fifty-eight percent of those who signed up for Obamacare — either for Medicaid or private insurance — said that they were better off than they were before than had their new insurance plan.)

PREDICTION 3: People will hate the Obamacare plans!

Republicans were frantically going around finding people who didn’t like their new Obamacare plans in order to prove that everyone hated it.


Obamacare: most people like their coverage

(78% of the people surveyed reported being satisfied with their new Obamacare insurance.)

PREDICTION 4: People signing up won’t even use the coverage!

Obamacare will be forcing people to buy coverage that they won’t even use!


Obamacare: most people have used their coverage

(Three out of five enrollees have used their new insurance — most were people who couldn’t afford care before.)

PREDICTION 5: Obamacare will cause long lines and wait times, nobody will be able to get appointments!

Just like in Canada, right!?!?


Obamacare: most people got appointments quickly

(More than a third were able to get appointments within a week, more than half were able to get appointments within two weeks.)


The Republican predictions about the failure of Obamacare are…. well, just look at the graphs!

I think “Close Enough!” pretty much captures it, don’t you?

Top 10 reasons people say you shouldn’t file your taxes!

Every year on April 15, millions of Americans wait until the very last minute to turn in their taxes to the Internal Revenue Service. They spend lots of time and money preparing paperwork in the hopes that the government gives them a small amount of the money that was stolen from them in the first place!

But REAL AMERICANS know that there really is no need to pay taxes. To prove this, I have scoured the Conservative Internet, and collected the top 10 most popular reasons mentioned in blogs, comments sections and social media that people have found explaining why you SHOULD NOT FILE YOUR TAXES on April 15th!

10. The government can’t be trusted with your money

Did you hear that the United States government is spending $750,000 for a new soccer field at Guantanamo Bay? What about the $13,500 tab the U.S. Postal Service picked up at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, or the $82,500,000,000 the government spent on food stamps last year? Clearly, the government is wasting all the money in brings in from YOUR tax dollars! Why should you pay the bills they rack up doing nothing that is worthwhile?

You can't trust the government with your money. What if they make it smell like noodles?
You can’t trust the government with your money. What if they make it smell like noodles?

9. Nobody ever asked you if you wanted to pay taxes

Remember when you turned 18 and you received a letter in the mail that asked you if you wanted to voluntarily give half your money to your local, state, and federal government that can be allocated by your elected representatives? No you do not, because this never happened. America was founded on the principles of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Since the government started taking your tax money without asking you, your right to liberty is being compromised. Take it back.

8. We already have roads

One thing the Democrat party always wants to bring up when it comes to the role of taxes is that it is how roads, bridges, and basic infrastructure are funded. It is impossible to live in a society without utilizing the resources that taxpayer dollars have birthed. That’s all fine and great, except we already have roads, so we don’t need to pay taxes anymore! They did their job. Us patriots will take it from here!

Roads are st00pid

7. It’s what Vladimir Putin wants us to do

Putin wants Russia to be the world’s superpower, and his ability to make America act in whatever way he wants them to is unrivaled. So if the United States government wants its citizens to pay taxes, that means Vladimir Putin wants us to pay taxes! That means you’re practically paying taxes to Russia, and are you Russian? Well, you might be, because America is a melting pot and if you are that’s okay. But if you aren’t Russian, then why would you ever pay taxes?

6. Barack Obama pays taxes

On Friday, President Obama released his 2013 federal income tax returns, revealing that he and the First Lady made $481,098 and paid $98,169 in total taxes. As you are well aware, everything that this President does is awful and you should not try to mimic him in any way. That includes by paying taxes.

5. Filing your taxes makes it easier for the government to take your guns

By paying taxes, you are placed on a list that is maintained by agents of the Internal Revenue Service. If it’s easy for them to audit you, then imagine how easy it would be when they decide to declare Sharia Law and take your guns away! Obviously that’s the reason why they ask you for your name and social security number when you file your taxes. Why else would they need that information? What do they think you’re trying to hide?

This "news" story was later found to be completely false. However, by the time that happened it had been copied to over 100 conservative blogs on the web. A couple of sites, most notably InfoWars, have issues retractions. Most have not.
This “news” story was later found to be completely false. However, by the time that happened it had been copied to over 100 conservative blogs on the web. A couple of sites, most notably InfoWars, have issued retractions. Most have not.

4. Income taxes are literally weapons of mass destruction

Someone WHO HAS A PH.D. has written a book that is really popular on World Net Daily and Breit Burt, where he says that, “Income taxes are political weapons of mass destruction used by governments against their own people,” and that “During the past century, the IRS has grown into a vicious, hydra-headed monster, a bureaucratic despot, completely out of control and in principle uncontrollable.” Gosh, that sounds super scary, and clearly doesn’t contain any hyperbolic language at all.

Taxed to death


3. Corporations don’t pay taxes

The conservative Supreme Court has ruled that corporations are people, which is great news for people who love freedom. Verizon, News Corp., General Electric, Boeing, and a bunch of other people do not have to pay any taxes. So why should you? Is the government saying that you are not worthy of the same freedoms that these people are?

2. They can just make more money

The Federal Reserve is just going to print more money whether you like it or not, so they might as well just print as much as they need instead of taking your money all year and doing God-knows-what with it. If President Obama and his cronies won’t take the hint that deficit spending is the worst thing any government could do, what’s stopping them from just printing more money? Can’t explain that!



And the top #1 reason that I found mentioned on the internet that you should not pay your taxes is…

1. Okay but seriously did you guys see what happened on Game of Thrones last night?

Joffrey was a nice kid. He deserved to be king. Why is it that we always lose the good leaders too soon? My eyes are welling up just thinking about this. I don’t know why the government can expect me to cope with this AND give them money in the same week. Have they no decency?

And now, for your entertainment:

QUIZ: Fatwa or Tea Party Law?

The crazy liberal nut jobs are after us Republicans again! They’re now saying that the religious right and Muslim religious extremists are mirror images of one another. How dare they!? We all know it’s liberals like Barack Hussein Obama who are in the Muslim brotherhood!

So, to prove how different conservative Christians are from conservative Muslims, just take the following quiz. The results will speak for themselves!

Take the quiz!

1. It is illegal to base laws on science

2. The Sun revolves around the Earth

3. Girls are not allowed to dress like boys.

4. Rape is sometimes both legal and encouraged.

5. Stealing is not illegal if you are stealing from those beneath you.

6. Mickey Mouse is evil.

7. Anyone able to work should work, regardless of age.

8. If a policeman comes into your home, you may shoot him.

Five reasons to love Paul Ryan’s newest Budget!

Serious Budget

Serious BudgetPaul Ryan has a history of producing the bestest budgets that solve all of the world’s problems. They are filled with awesomesauce and can be expected to end all poorness and debt by the year 2050. Unfortunately, big mean liberals have not actually allowed any of his previous budgets to get any further than the House of Representatives. But that hasn’t stopped him from trying, and trying, and trying.

We looked at his latest budget, and we have dug up all of the most awesome things about it. Look and see.

1. It raises taxes on middle class families with children!

Now, liberals are going to cry about this, which is weird because usually they love raising taxes. But this is actually GREAT because the extra tax money won’t be used for stupid liberal things like paying for roads or food stamps: it will be used to pay for tax breaks for people with incomes over $1 million. SCORE!

2. It cuts investments in roads and bridges.

This goes without saying. Roads and bridges are French and gay. Roads meet the Wikipedia definition of socialism. Any road that isn’t a private toll road is destroying our national morality.

Besides, we need that money for the people with incomes over $1 million.

3. It cuts every level of education from early childhood to community college.

Again, pretty obvious: so-called “education” is really indoctrination where people learn that carbon dioxide traps heat, the earth is more than 6000 years old, and sometimes biological organisms change from one generation to the next. Obviously all lies straight from the pit of hell. Children are much better off learning everything they need to know from Hobby Lobby.

Additionally, we need the extra money for the people with incomes over $1 million.

4. It would slash food stamps.

Food stamps make people lazy and poor. Do you want proof? Think about shows you’ve seen on the history channel about the way things were, say, 4000 years ago. Nobody was lazy back then, right? No, they all hunted and gathered and ran away from big animals. None of them were lazy.

And also: there were no food stamps. I rest my case.

Additionally, we need that money for people with incomes over $1 million.

But most importantly…..

5. It completely repeals the Affordable Care Act

We are so excited about this we just can’t contain ourselves. We’ve been beating the drum about wanted Obamacare repealed for so long we’ve actually forgotten why… except that it has something to do with freedom.

Freedom, my friends. Granted, this budget will raise the health care costs for millions of families and businesses. It will eliminate the coverage for the 3 million young adults who have gained coverage by staying on their parent’s plan through Obamacare. It will eliminate coverage for the millions of people who have signed up for private insurance plans through the Marketplaces. And it will eliminate coverage for the millions of people who gained coverage through the expansion of Medicaid.

Isn’t that AWESOME? This is what freedom tastes like.

Thank you,  Paul Ryan.

More Reading:
Ryan’s Budget Would Cut $5 Trillion in Spending Over a Decade
Reid: Paul Ryan’s budget a blueprint for ‘Kochtopia’
Obama White House Drops A Fact Bomb That Eviscerates Paul Ryan’s Bogus Budget

10 reasons conservatives CANNOT believe in the Big Bang Theory

God versus Big Bang Theory of the origin of the universe has receive supporting evidence recently

God versus Big Bang Theory of the origin of the universe has receive supporting evidence recently

Once again, science has found even more evidence for the “Big Bang Theory” of the origins of the universe. This whole “evidence” situation has gotten so bad that plenty of conservatives are ready to give up on their deeply-held beliefs. “So what if the universe is billions of years old?” they say. “After all, I can still believe that God  was the one who created the Big Bang in the first place, right?”


This kind of thinking completely ignores the stark realities of the political world we live in today. To understand the conservative position on the origin of the universe, you have to understand conservative psychology.

To that end, here are 10 good reasons why no real conservative can ever, ever, EVER accept the Big Bang theory of the creation of the universe:

1. If you admit the universe is old, THE OTHER SIDE WINS

And they will gloat. And they will rub it in your face. You don’t want that, do you?

2. If you admit the universe is old, YOU ARE BETRAYING YOUR OWN KIND

Plenty of Republican politicians have gotten up in front of people and said they don’t believe in the Big Bang. If you suddenly say that you are a conservative, and you do believe in the Big Bang… well, they’ll just feel stupid, won’t they? These are good people, with honest hearts. Why would you do that to them? Huh? Why?

3. If God meant us to believe in things like “background radiation” and “quarks”, they would be in the Bible

The Hebrew word for “quark” is קווארק and it doesn’t appear anywhere in Genesis. Genesis mentions everything that is important: animals, plants, people, sea monsters, and so on. Obviously, these “quark” things that physicists talk about are not important.

4. God would never do that

It’s pretty clear that God’s entire focus is just on human beings and nothing else, and creating a big universe that existed for billions of years just makes no sense. What a waste of time.

5. If the Big Bang theory might be right, then THE LIBERALS WIN

We can’t allow them to be right about ANYTHING. At all. Don’t you understand????

6. The Big Bang theory is just a trick to get people to believe in evolution

We can’t allow people to believe the Big Bang theory, because it’s a slippery slope. If they believe the Big Bang theory, next they might believe evolution. If they believe evolution, it automatically follows that all morality is relative and people can marry squid and mass murder may as well be acceptable DO YOU WANT TO LIVE IN THAT HELL HOLE????

7. The Big Bang theory is just a tool to make you feel less special

According to the Big Bang theory, you’re not special. But that is mean, why would anyone tell you that you’re not special??? You ARE SPECIAL. And you deserve to feel special. See? I told you the Big Bang theory was wrong.

8. If you admit that religious people might be wrong about the age of the earth, you are BETRAYING YOUR RELIGION.

Think of all of those nice people at church. These are people you spend Sundays with, and trade baked goods with. They are nice people, who care about you. They are sweet and generous. Why would you BETRAY THEM by saying that the earth is more than 6,000 years old? Why would you do such a thing? WHY?

9. Barack Obama believes in the Big Bang theory

Actually, he’s never said that publicly. But he just looks like the kind of person who does. You don’t want to agree with Barack Obama about anything. People might think you’re a socialist. Or a demon. Or pervert. Or a socialist demon-pervert.

10. If the Big Bang theory is right, THE OTHER SIDE WINS

Did you not get the memo? It’s us against them. You HAVE to believe that the universe is 6,000 years old. You have to, because that’s what our side believes. If you believe something different, it’s like you are rooting for the other team to win. And they are bad people. They believe in murdering fetuses and sodomizing each other. You don’t want people like THAT to win, do you? DO YOU?????



Help the cause by passing around these stickers:

I don't believe #1 I don't believe #2I don't believe #3

10 best signs I saw at the White Man March

White Man March: MT GOX stole my bitcoins

If you are a white Christian, you may have noticed that you are living in constant fear as your rights are being stripped from you by gays, atheists, and racial minorities who seek to discriminate against you.

Really pathetic white people
This sign is not satire and was not created for comedy purposes. This is an actual sign made by some very angry white people.

This is why American patriot Kyle Hunt organized the White Man March, “an international day for independent pro-White activism,” which took place around the country on Saturday, March 15, 2014.

According to some reports, this world-wide event drew as many as tens of people.

One of the cities where the White Man March occurred was Tempe, Arizona, just a short drive away from where I live. Like any good liberty loving freedom fighter, I attended the event to see what all the fuss was about.

If you could not attend your local White Man March, I made sure to take a lot of pictures. Unsurprisingly, most of the attendees would not give me permission to take their picture because the NSA is out to get them. Otherwise, I would show you my favorite sign of the event, which said “There are too many women in comedy!”

….but these ten signs are almost as good:

White Man March sign: monkeys are brown
Monkeys are brown. White people are not brown. It’s just logic.
White Man March Sign: white people freed the slaves
White people freed the slaves. Therefore, all white people are not racist. QED.


White man march signs: if you call me a bigot then you are a bigot
I know you are but what am I. One of the most respected philosophical arguments of all time.
White Man March: I dont get Kevin Hart
Who does? Not white people, that’s for sure.


White man march sign: minority hair is thick and yucky
Equal rights is an abstract concept.


White man march sign: Yoko Ono broke up the Beatles
It’s not racism if you can point to a celebrity you don’t like.


White Man March sign: white men can jump
Can you think of ANYTHING MORE HURTFUL than this anti-white stereotype? I didn’t think so.


White Man March: Trayvon Martin smoked pot so could not have been murdered
Double threat.


White Man March: women get to have sex whenever they want how is that fair?
You may have noticed that some protesters have a difficult time keeping on-topic at protests. It’s a white person thing.


White Man March: MT GOX stole my bitcoins
Almost exclusively a white male problem.

Have you seen good #WhiteManMarchProtestSigns?  Let us know on Twitter and we may mention them here:



God’s Law: 13 laws to make America a REAL Christian Nation

Is America a Christian nation? Of course! Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay teaches us that the word of God has “manifested in what is called the Constitution of the United States. God created this nation and God created the Constitution; it is written on biblical principles.” DeLay gets it: he’s the real deal, a full fledge bible-believing-Jesus-loving-God-fearing Republican.

It’s about time the rest of us conservatives join Delay’s mission. We must stop just calling America “God’s country” and begin to truly act it out! God has given us a beautiful vision of American Theocracy.  The Biblical narrative is rich in poetic legal codes that we too can use as we develop, under the complete and total reign of God, a true Conservative American Theocracy!

Here’s a short list of God’s legislative plan on purifying the filthy liberals in our great nation through American Theocracy:

Gods Law: free baby birds for everyone!God’s Law #1: Imprison anyone and everyone who eats cats. They are the animals of God’s fiercest desire, they’ve been specifically created for BuzzFeed articles and Instagram pictures. A grumpy cat makes for a grumpy God. (Leviticus 11:27)

God’s Law #2: Pet Shops MUST give away baby birds to anyone who asks. End of story.  (Deuteronomy 22:6-7)

God’s Law #3: Ruthlessly slaughter anyone with a different religion… except Mormons, thanks to Mitt Romney even God can be paid off. (Deuteronomy 17:2-7)

God's Law: go live in a treeGod’s Law #4: Once a year every American MUST live in a tree.  (Leviticus 23:39-43)

God’s Law #5: Imprison anyone with an un-cut penis. Ain’t nobody got time for all that extra skin! (Genesis 17:11)

God’s Law #6: Every college football fan and player must “Tebow” after every play, after all Saturday football is on the Sabbath. God specifically commanded against any work on the Sabbath, but when you look as good as Tim Tebow, even God makes exceptions. (Leviticus 23:3)

God's Law: touch a furry puppy and go to prison for lifeGod’s Law #7: If you even toucheth a furry puppy, you get imprisoned for life. Filthy sinner. (Leviticus 5:2)

God’s Law #8: If your puppy tries to hump your leg, you must kill it. (Leviticus 20:15-16)

God’s Law #9: Ugly people shall be punished by law! With enough Botox, God’s vision is to create The Real House Wives of America Theocracy. (Leviticus 21:17-18)

God’s Law #10: Mandatory 5 days in prison for any of those teenage-mutants with torn up clothes and ripped jeans. Fashion is meant to be holy, not a holey mess. (Leviticus 10:6)

Gods Law: thou shalt hate flowersGod’s Law #11: Thou shalt hate flowers! Clean your hands and brush off those knees ladies, getting down and dirty wasn’t meant for the garden but the bedroom. (Leviticus 19:19)

God’s Law #12: Crucify any Mother that goes to church within 33 days of giving birth to a boy, and 66 days after giving birth to a girl. Girls are far more of a hassle to raise than men, so God requires women to stay at home and do their duties. (Leviticus 4-5)

God’s Law #13: Burn anyone at the stake that doesn’t attend Christmas and Easter church services. And even if they do show up, imprison them if they don’t put money in the offering plate. (Exodus 23:14)

Seven reasons Pokemon is liberal indoctrination

Pokemon is filled with liberal propaganda

If you thought Pokemon, the video game/television/trading card phenomenon that galvanized children in the 1990s, was just a fad, you were wrong. The first season of the television show just hit Netflix, immediately after over a million people participated in Twitch Plays Pokemon, a game where people teamed together to coordinate button presses that allowed them all to beat the game as a gigantic hivemind.

Does that sound like collectivism to you?

Something about Pokemon must have encouraged all these gamers to participate in this socialist experiment. If you are able to see things clearly, as I am, you will see that liberalism runs deep throughout the Pokemon universe.

1. Single-Payer Healthcare Isn’t a Disaster in the Pokemon Universe

How is it that any time you go into a Pokecenter, wherein a perky redheaded nurse, always named Joy, heals you and your Pokemon for absolutely no cost? This is because of a liberal invention called a single-payer healthcare system, which is the only possible solution that is worse than Obamacare. Despite the fact that every single person who lives in a country with a single-payer healthcare system will die, Pokemon depicts these Pokecenters as clean, effective healthcare facilities that patch up these adorable pocket monsters quickly and efficiently. SURE.

2. Evolution Is Real, and Observable

One of the first things we learn in the Pokemon universe, regardless of whether you are watching the show or playing the video game, is that Pokemon evolve. Obviously, evolution is a lie from the pit of Hell meant to encourage white people and black people to intermingle in order to make adorable little mocha demon children. Not only does Pokemon tell children that evolution is real, it allows them to encourage it! By “leveling up” their Pokemon, they can take a stupid little Charmander and turn it into a triumphant Charizard, because evolution is awesome and they should totally believe in it.

3. Team Rocket Is Evil, But Not Evil Enough To Have GUNS

Team Rocket, a “criminal” organization operated by Giovanni, the Pokemon universe’s most influential businessman, is incompetent. Like, gets completely dismantled by a precocious ten year old and a yellow mouse incompetent. Their intentions are moral and just like those of the neoconservative movement; to protect the world from devastation and to unite all people within our nation. They would be able to do this easily…if only they embraced their second amendment rights. The liberal propaganda machine behind Pokemon wants you to believe Team Rocket is evil, but not evil enough to use the greatest deliverer of good the world has ever known.

4. Pokemon Destroyed Herman Cain’s Presidential Campaign

For a while, it looked like former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain was going to take our country back from Barack Hussein Obama. With his 9-9-9 economic policy that totally made sense and an inspiring stump speech, Cain catapulted up to the top of the polls and seemed poised to be the changemaker Obama promised he would be. That was until Cain began quoting Pokemon: The Movie 2000 on the campaign trail. While his message was appropriate, the source resulted in him being maligned by the corporate media. Pokemon allowed Mitt Romney to receive the nomination, removing all hope for a brighter future.

5. Pokemon Is Against Traditional Family Values

While America may not have its act together, Ukraine certainly does! What does the government in Ukraine have to say about Pokemon? The National Commission for Moral Affairs in Ukraine requested for the television series to be banned, as it is “aimed at the destruction of the family and promotes the use of drugs and other vices”. The show’s three main characters, Ash, Misty, and Brock, all come from abnormal families, or any family where there is not a mother and father present. Ash was raised by a single mother. Misty and Brock, both teenagers, have no parental presence in their life at all; Brock in particular is tasked with being the primary caretaker of his siblings. How dare they not have nuclear families? Shame on those kids. Speaking of Brock…

6. Brock. Barack. COINCIDENCE?

Commonly in anime, while presumptively the characters are of Asian descent, they typically look white. This is true in Pokemon, except for Brock, whose burnt sienna skin clashes against the ivory white skin of the other characters. His name also is suspiciously close to that of Barack Hussein Obama. So much so, in fact, that Google searches for “Brock Obama” will yield an internet meme combining the two.

7. Pokemon X and Y Is FULL of Liberal Ideology

This picture speaks for itself. What more do you really need to know?

Pokemon is filled with liberal propaganda
Pokemon is filled with liberal propaganda

Eight reasons Valentines Day is bad for you and good for Obama

Conservatives protest against Valentines Day
Conservatives protest against Valentines Day
This was the first picture that came up when I did a Google Image Search on “Conservatives protest against Valentines Day”. Just look at these good, upstanding conservative American Christians! Good for them! Fight the liberal machine! Down with Valentines Day!

Pardon my language, but darn Valentine’s Day. Darn it to h*ck.

The last time I went on a Valentine’s Day date was three years ago. A woman urged me to go see a screening of Justin Bieber: Never Say Never in 3D. While it was nice to see such a earnest documentary about a God-loving, abortion-hating kid who has kept a good head on his shoulders in the face of fame, I did not appreciate all the teenage sinners touching their hands together like we were in one of those pornograph theaters.

Needless to say I have not “celebrated” another Valentine’s Day since. In the days after that night, traumatized by what had happened to me, I thought about how Valentine’s Day came to exist in the first place. It isn’t a national holiday, so why do we let it dictate how we behave?

Then I remembered what else tries to dictate how we behave…THE LIBERAL AGENDA!

I have compiled a list of eight reasons why you should lock your doors and do nothing this and every February 14… unless you don’t want to take this country back from Barack Hussein Obama!!

#1. Valentine’s Day encourages people in relationships to have SEX

This would be okay… if it were the kind of sex that God would approve of. Valentine’s Day encourages lovers to have sex for fun rather than procreation… and even try out new positions, like standing up or making a pretzel shape with the man’s penis!

This helps Obama because he is giving women free access to birth control. If women have the ability to prevent themselves from getting pregnant and there is a holiday that encourages them to seize that opportunity, that will mean Obama’s policy will be successful! Obviously, that cannot be allowed to happen.


#2. Valentine’s Day turns single people into sinners

Since all their friends and family members in relationships doing yucky things to each other, single people have the tendency to become extremely jealous on Valentine’s Day. They are thus encouraged to seek out sinful pleasure elsewhere, in the form of pornography. In order to make the most out of pornography, these people may feel compelled to masturbate. Science has proven that masturbation causes blindness and atheism, and everybody knows that being blind and being an atheist are the two most un-American things you can be.


#3. Valentine’s Day makes people become more like the government

If you have ever tried to buy flowers in the month of February, you know that Valentine’s Day is a very, very, VERY expensive time of the year. In order to prove to one another that their relationship is fine and they are not at all overcompensating, people in relationships feel obligated to spend exorbitant amounts of money on gifts. With jewelry priced in the thousands of dollars, Valentine’s Day certainly sends many into crippling, catastrophic debt. WHAT DOES THAT SOUND LIKE?


#4. Valentine’s Day is good for the economy

You might be wondering, “Hey…what’s wrong with that?” If people are spending lots of money at retail for Valentine’s Day, it allows businesses to thrive. They can hire more workers, pay their employees better, give them benefits, etc.

Notice that last part? If the economy thrives, partly due to Valentine’s Day spending, more people will be able to have affordable health insurance. It will allow Obamacare to be a successful government program. Even if it’s good for the economy, it’s bad for America. After all, 100% of those enrolled in Obamacare WILL die.


#5. Valentine’s Day is an elaborate scheme to send foreign aid to Luxembourg

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, somebody at a marketing firm once said. As a result, diamonds are incredibly popular on Valentine’s Day. Where do all these diamonds come from? The vast majority of the world’s diamonds sold come from DeBeers, a company based in the country of Luxembourg.

Never heard of Luxembourg? Neither have I, but it sounds weird so it is probably in the Middle East. That means we are giving money to the people who want to attack us! Valentine’s Day is a conduit for terrorism.


#6. Valentine’s Day makes Michelle Obama grow stronger

For the (slightly) more budget-conscious Valentine’s Day victim, chocolate is a standard gift. It is delicious and indulgent…only it makes you fat. First Lady Michelle Obama harnesses the power of America’s obese and feeds off that energy. How do I know this? Why else would she tell kids to eat healthy and exercise? Americans hate being told what to do; they are just going to get fatter as a result to throw it back in her face! Do not give Michelle Obama more power.


#7. Valentine’s Day causes you to long for the color blue

During Valentine’s season, it’s nothing but the color red. Red boxes, red bows, red everything! Personally, I love the color red. It is the color of conservatism in America and the color of personal liberty as long as you are a heteronormative white male.

But even a great American patriot like myself gets sick of the color red this time of the year. I catch myself wanting to look at the color blue instead just for a change of pace…which is exactly what the Democrats want. It’s called subliminal messaging. You want BLUE in your life so you will vote for Democrats!


#8. Valentine’s Day undermines the patriarchy

Remember the good old days when women made dinner for their husbands and only slept in their bed when they wanted to make a baby? Valentine’s Day completely undoes this, the American dream, by making it mandatory for men to do nice things for women. What’s next? We’re going to be “ready for Hillary” all of a sudden and have a female President? We are going to stop blaming women who are victims of sexual abuse? What an awful world that would be!