Border security spending graph has a liberal bias!

There’s an invasion taking place right under our noses! Armies of enemies move unimpeded across our border with Mexico, leaving a trail of Qur’ans, deadly viruses and broken dreams in their wake!

And Barack “Mom Jeans” Obama refuses to do anything about it. How hard could it possibly be to build an impenetrable 2000-mile long fence and guard every inch around the clock? If Mitt “self-deportation” Romney were President now, North Korea would be sending official visitors to marvel at the mile-wide swath of death and destruction securing us against… well, the grandparents of future Mitt Romneys.

But it’s even worse than mere incompetence. Anyone who listens to right-wing radio knows that Obama is actually deliberately increasing illegal border crossings in order to literally destroy America!

For him, every immigrant is a new Democratic voter. Luckily, we conservatives see them for what they really are: brown, possibly infected, almost certainly jihadist, invariably lazy DEMOCRAT VOTERS!

Now, some Democrats (probably illegal aliens themselves) would point to the following graph as “proof” that Obama is actually investing a great deal in securing our border:

Federal law enforcement spending graph: what about the border?

Oh, please. Are we really supposed to believe that the government spends 15 times more on keeping Mexico out than on the Agency for Trampling Freedom (ATF) whose job it is to round up peace-loving gun owners? Or that we spend more than twice the FBI’s entire budget at the border?

Nuh uh. No way. That’s not a statistic that makes sense to me. It must be wrong. I believe statistics like the fact that Obama spent 200 million dollar per day on a trip to India. Now THAT is a “statistic” I can get behind.

This other graph? It just HAS to be wrong.

La-la-la-la-la.

What is a fiscal conservative?

There seems to be a lot of confusion about what the term “fiscal conservative” means these days. We have gathered some images and examples from recent news stories to help clear things up:

Rick Perry's Texas Militia are Fiscal Conservatives

A fiscal conservative says we can’t afford to improve our schools. And also spends millions of dollars to send people to stand at the border, even though they have no power to actually do anything once they get there.

Rolling Coal is something that fiscal conservatives do

A fiscal conservative says that the government wastes too much money and should be more efficient. And also modifies trucks so that they deliberately waste fuel and cause premature engine deterioration.

 

So, hopefully now you understand better what it means to be a “Fiscal Conservative”.

Can you think of other examples of what it means to be a “fiscal conservative”? Leave it in the comments, and we may add it as an image here!

A compassionate, loving Biblical solution to all those dirty illegals

Today’s letter comes from man who is concerned that we have a president who has busted our borders wide open, and let in a flood of illegal immigrants.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

As a born again faithful believer in Jesus Christ our Lord, I’m worried about the illegal immigration problem. I don’t think we can have all of these Mexican illegals stealing our jobs and sucking our economy dry. But just throwing them out seems un-Christian, too.
Our immigration system is obviously broken, and needs to be changed. Is there a BIBLICAL solution to all of this?

Sincerely,
Victor

Friend Victor,

Much like the Earth orbits the Sun, every nation on our globe orbits America. Our Founding Fathers weren’t kidding when they said, “One Nation under GOD” because America truly is under God’s supreme rule! Our great country is God’s Kingdom here on Earth, and we need no further proof than the simple words of Jesus: “The Kingdom of God is here” (Luke 17:21)

The Bible also says, “Ye must be born again to enter the Kingdom of God” (John 3:7). And I don’t think this was meant metaphorically. I think God is giving us very specific instructions on how we should be letting people into this country.

New birth is the answer. New birth is required for anyone to enter into God’s country, a.k.a. the United States. Therefore the Biblical solution to immigration is obviously to replace our current long and tedious “naturalization process” with… Birthing Centers!

The Christian solution to immigration is to make sure foreigners are re-born as Christians.
A possible view of a Christian way to enter this country: RE-BIRTHING CENTERS!

When dirty, disease-ridden foreigners go through a Birthing Center:

A) They will be cleansed with Holy Water to help purify their dark and wasted souls. Holy Water is scientifically proven to cleanse dead-beat Mexicans into hard-working Americans.

B) They will be forced to memorize the entire King James Bible — including the table of contents and editors preface. Memorizing God’s Word is the only proven method to wash the sinful Spanish language away, replacing it with the only one that matters to God: ENGLISH!

C) They will be tested in a scientific and theologically correct way, by measuring their natural reaction to hearing the word “socialist”. If they vomit everywhere upon hearing it, they truly have been born again and are welcome into God’s American Kingdom! No vomit, no entry.

 

I think this plan even has potential to get bi-partisan support. After all, when we reject foreigners from a birthing center, preventing them from being re-born as an American, it won’t be “deporting” them….. it will be “aborting” their American re-birth!

And we all know how much liberals love abortions!!!

With gracious joy,
Pastor Gregory