This graph proves that the only way to fight abortion is to call women sluts

Next to children getting food and medical care they didn’t pay for, the biggest moral failure of our great nation is abortion. Fortunately, the number of abortions in the US is falling rapidly. The following graph shows the change in the number of abortions under each of our last five Presidents.

Trend in abortions over the last five presidentsNow, if you are an unsophisticated liberal you might be fooled into thinking this graph somehow shows that liberal presidents are better than conservatives at preventing abortion. That would be ridiculous.

Luckily, you have me here to explain to you the correct way of looking at this graph. As George W. Bush taught is, “correlemation does not mean causification.” You see, even though abortions have been down under Obama, there is another factor going on that is not apparent from this graph: PUBLIC SLUT SHAMING!

Consider these recent examples of conservative stalwarts who refuse to let their poor, underrepresented white, male voices be ignored:

Rush Limbaugh: “What does it say about the college co-ed Susan Fluke, who goes before a congressional committee and essentially says that she must be paid to have sex [by suggesting that college health plans should cover birth control]? What does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute.”

Rick Santorum advisor Foster Friess, suggesting innovative solutions to our rising health care costs: “You know, back in my days, they used Bayer aspirin for contraception. The gals put it between their knees, and it wasn’t that costly.”

George Will addressed the related issue of rising reports of rape: “When they make victimhood a coveted status that confers privileges, victims proliferate.”

 

Obviously, if you understand the details of human nature the way conservatives do, you know that these statements must be what caused women to have fewer abortions. After all, the only thing that stops abortions is making sure women know that they are disgusting sluts and hussies if they ever want to have sex.

Of course, some liberals might suggest that there are alternative explanations for the decrease in abortions under Obama, like the fact that when programs such as those mandated under Obamacare provide free preventative healthcare it reduces the risk of abortion.

But that’s just dumb.

 

A compassionate, loving Biblical solution to all those dirty illegals

Today’s letter comes from man who is concerned that we have a president who has busted our borders wide open, and let in a flood of illegal immigrants.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

As a born again faithful believer in Jesus Christ our Lord, I’m worried about the illegal immigration problem. I don’t think we can have all of these Mexican illegals stealing our jobs and sucking our economy dry. But just throwing them out seems un-Christian, too.
Our immigration system is obviously broken, and needs to be changed. Is there a BIBLICAL solution to all of this?

Sincerely,
Victor

Friend Victor,

Much like the Earth orbits the Sun, every nation on our globe orbits America. Our Founding Fathers weren’t kidding when they said, “One Nation under GOD” because America truly is under God’s supreme rule! Our great country is God’s Kingdom here on Earth, and we need no further proof than the simple words of Jesus: “The Kingdom of God is here” (Luke 17:21)

The Bible also says, “Ye must be born again to enter the Kingdom of God” (John 3:7). And I don’t think this was meant metaphorically. I think God is giving us very specific instructions on how we should be letting people into this country.

New birth is the answer. New birth is required for anyone to enter into God’s country, a.k.a. the United States. Therefore the Biblical solution to immigration is obviously to replace our current long and tedious “naturalization process” with… Birthing Centers!

The Christian solution to immigration is to make sure foreigners are re-born as Christians.
A possible view of a Christian way to enter this country: RE-BIRTHING CENTERS!

When dirty, disease-ridden foreigners go through a Birthing Center:

A) They will be cleansed with Holy Water to help purify their dark and wasted souls. Holy Water is scientifically proven to cleanse dead-beat Mexicans into hard-working Americans.

B) They will be forced to memorize the entire King James Bible — including the table of contents and editors preface. Memorizing God’s Word is the only proven method to wash the sinful Spanish language away, replacing it with the only one that matters to God: ENGLISH!

C) They will be tested in a scientific and theologically correct way, by measuring their natural reaction to hearing the word “socialist”. If they vomit everywhere upon hearing it, they truly have been born again and are welcome into God’s American Kingdom! No vomit, no entry.

 

I think this plan even has potential to get bi-partisan support. After all, when we reject foreigners from a birthing center, preventing them from being re-born as an American, it won’t be “deporting” them….. it will be “aborting” their American re-birth!

And we all know how much liberals love abortions!!!

With gracious joy,
Pastor Gregory

Who will George Bush paint next? (with illustrations)

It should come at no surprise that former leader of the free world, turned Christian artist, George W. Bush has once again channeled his godly painting powers. We’ve seen his nude selfies and colorful cat works of painted wonder but now Bush has stepped up his game with an uncanny ability to ham-handily paint world-leader portraits.

This set of painted passion highlights the incredible leaders Mr. Bush had the pleasure of meeting during his presidency; from the Dalai Lama to Vladimir Putin, Mr. Bush has stroked the canvas with unbelievable talent.

But I have a suggestion. Why can’t Mr. Bush take his God-given talent to shine the spotlight on conservative leaders right here at home?  Don’t they deserve the same level of honor and recognition as, for example, Mr. Putin? Through Mr. Bush’s talents we can turn this country around with God, guns, and good-old-fashioned water colors!

Here are three suggestions to inspire Mr. Bush’ conservative canvas crusade, with my interpretation of what his paintings will probably look like:

 

Justice RobeertsChief Justice John Roberts is first on the list for his uncanny ability to fight for our freedom to buy elections. Thanks to Roberts and his four fellow Republican justices, wealthy politically active Americans are no longer limited to donate a petty $123,200 but now can spend as much as they want. Freedom isn’t free and nor are elections.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuck Gast

Conservative martyr and former Mozilla CEO, Brendan Eich is second on the list for his unashamed commitment to Biblical homophobia. He and his company’s developers made some hefty donations to the anti-gay Proposition 8 campaign, to which LGBT* activists claimed he was violating Mozilla’s inclusion policies. In reality Brendan Eich was defending his religious freedom, making him a martyr for liberty!

 

 

 

 

Mozilla EichMissouri Rep. Chuck Gatschenberger gushes with GOP brilliance as he ignores the 260,000 Missourians who are going without affordable health care and focused on forcing women to wait 3 days before being allowed an abortion. He truly shined as he defended the bill against angry feminzai’s, “I was just considering getting carpeting in my house. That process probably took a month… I wanted to be as informed as possible, and that’s what this bill is, having them get as much information as possible.”

Hobby Lobby pays to kill innocent babies by forced abortion in China

Hobby Lobby says they are Christian. They say they love God. They claim that the reason they don’t want to pay for employee health insurance is that some of that money might end up paying for someone’s abortion, and they hate abortion. This is their argument:

1) If we pay for health insurance for our employees, that money goes into a pool of money that the health insurance company has to pay for things.

2) If that health insurance company covers abortions, then they might take some money out of that pool and give it to a hospital that performed an abortion.

3) Therefore, if we pay for health insurance for our employees it is the same as if we were paying for abortions.

Hobby Lobby thinks that paying for insurance that pays hospitals that pays doctors who perform abortions is like paying for abortions.
Hobby Lobby thinks that paying for insurance that pays hospitals that pays doctors who perform abortions is like paying for abortions.

As a result, they object, because they don’t want to pay for abortions.

This style of argument is common. This is the same logic that we use to deny public funding to Planned Parenthood, even though only a teeny tiny fraction of what Planned Parenthood does has anything to do with abortion.  The logic is like this:

1) If public money goes to Planned Parenthood, then it goes into  a big bucket with all of their other money.

2) Some part of the money in that bucket might get used to pay a doctor who performs an abortion.

3) Therefore, if any public money at all goes to Planned Parenthood in any way, then it is the same as if we are paying for abortions.

Using tax money to pay Planned Parenthood who might use some of that money to pay a doctor to perform an abortion is like paying for an abortion.
Using tax money to pay Planned Parenthood who might use some of that money to pay a doctor to perform an abortion is like paying for an abortion.

As a result, we object to public money going to Planned Parenthood, because we don’t want to pay for abortions. As you can see, the logic is impeccable.

Unfortunately, THERE IS A PROBLEM!!!!

Hobby Lobby buys some of its materials from Chinese companies! Now, everybody knows that Chinese companies pay money to the Chinese government in taxes, and the Chinese government forces women in China to have abortions.

Notice, this follows exactly the same logic:

1) If Hobby Lobby pays companies in China for their products, then that money goes into a big pool of money owned by the Chinese company.

2) If that Chinese company pays taxes, then some of their tax money will go toward GOVERNMENT-FORCED ABORTIONS IN CHINA.

3) Therefore, when Hobby Lobby buys products from China it is exactly as if Hobby Lobby is FORCING CHINESE PEOPLE TO GET ABORTIONS.

When Hobby Lobby buys products made in China it is exactly as if they are forcing Chinese women to have abortions.
When Hobby Lobby buys products made in China it is exactly as if they are forcing Chinese women to have abortions.

Clearly, as you can see, the logic is the same.

So, Hobby Lobby, I ask you this:

Why do you hate babies?

Why do you hate God?

Don’t you realize that the only way to be Godly–using the logic that you are using to deny employees health insurance–is to make everything yourself and not interact with the world economy at all?

Honestly, Hobby Lobby. I thought you were better than this.

Baby-killers.

 

Republican jobs plan: REVEALED!!!

Top Secret

Liberals like making fun of Republicans because, despite claims to be “laser-focused on job creation“, they seem to be talking about pretty much anything except improving jobs for the American people.

But liberals have got it wrong. They just don’t understand. Republicans have been working non-stop on job creation… at the state level.  They have just kept it a secret.

So, we now proudly reveal to you: the Republican jobs plan…. already in progress!

Step 1. Allow guns EVERYWHERE.

Republicans lawmakers in Georgia are demonstrating their laser focus on getting the people of their state to work by making it legal to bring guns into bars. While liberals might think this has nothing to do with jobs, they are wrong. Obviously, people who are brain-dead drunk to carry firearms will create demand for a wide variety of jobs, including law enforcement professionals and emergency care surgeons.

Obviously, any law that makes it more likely that someone rip-roaring drunk will fire off a shot is part of the Republican “jobs plan”.

 

Step 2. Legalize discrimination.

Republicans lawmakers in Arizona have passed laws that make it legal to deny goods and services to gay people. This is clearly part of a larger job-creation vision. Just think about all of the scared, narrow-minded, bigoted potential employers out there who say to themselves, “Golly, I have a perfect business idea that would make tons of money, and I have the means to start this business, but I AM SO FRIGHTENED I MIGHT HAVE TO PROVIDE SERVICES TO GAY PEOPLE that I just won’t do it!”

Clearly, any bill legalizing discrimination is part of the Republican “jobs plan”.

 

Step 3. Outlaw abortion

Republicans in several states have been working almost non-stop to outlaw abortions and put doctors in jail. Now, some liberals ridiculously claim that this has nothing to do with jobs. But this is because they are short-sighted. This is part of the Republican long-term jobs plan. You see, when children are born into homes that may not be able to care for them effectively or support them financially, more families are plunged into poverty. Since Republicans also are against providing any assistance to these families after the children are born, these people will be desperately poor and willing to work for crap wages. This will depress pay and allow companies to hire people for almost nothing. Additionally, all of these poor people will be more likely to suffer from untreated healthcare problems, in addition to all of the health problems associated with people who will try to perform back-alley abortions and end up hurting themselves as a result, which will create more jobs for medical workers in emergency care facilities, and of course more jobs for people who build coffins.

So, see? Once again: a Republican jobs plan.

Now the only real question is… why aren’t all of the Republicans proudly advertising this jobs plan?

I can’t imagine.

The Girl Scouts has a liberal bias!

Liberal Girl Scout Cookies

Liberal Girl Scout Cookies

Girls Scout cookie season is here! It’s time for a short history lesson to answer the question: Why do conservatives HATE the Girl Scouts so much?

If you are not tuned in to the issue, you might not even be aware that, as a conservative, you are supposed to hate the Girl Scouts.  You might even mistakenly think that the Girl Scouts represents some good conservative principles.

For example, during cookie-selling time, the Girl Scouts promotes child labor, and that’s something conservatives like!

Moreover, Girl Scouts mark up their cookies 100%, and more than half of the profits goes to the executive leadership of the organization rather than the girls themselves. Those are the free-market priorities that conservatives are known for!

However, do not be fooled!  All it takes is a quick search online, and you will be able to find dozens of reliable sources, such as flyers that you can download, explaining the out-and-out demonic liberal nature of the Girl Scouts. Some of the websites can barely even contain their hysteria as they explain to you that the Girl Scouts supports wild rampant ex parties, lesbianism, paganism and transgenderism.

“How did this happen?” you might wonder. “How did it come to be that conservatives hate the Girl Scouts so much?”

The story goes back all the way to before the initial formation of the Girl Scouts as an organization.

Back in 1910, the Boy Scouts was formed to encourage boys to focus on being strong, independent, confident, and active in the community. According to historian Susan Miller, author of Growing Girls: The Natural Origins of Girls’ Organizations in America, part of the reason the Boy Scouts formed was to combat the perceived problem of young boys becoming soft and emasculated.

Essentially, the Boy Scouts was brought into being in order to stop young boys from seeming gay and/or girly. This is a well-known good conservative cause, and one that we are still fighting for today. Now, at the time time that the Boy Scouts was first formed, they were also trying to promote a group called Campfire Girls, which was formed to encourage girls to be domestic, submissive and pretty.

Naturally, all of this is in agreement with conservative values.

However, two years later, in 1912, the Girl Scouts was formed… by a woman.  Moreover, it was specifically formed as an organization to be more of a complete parallel to the Boy Scouts, but for girls.  Like the Boy Scouts, it would also promote independence, confidence, and community activity… but for girls instead of boys.

WHAT KIND OF VOODOO LESBIAN LOGIC IS THIS?

DON’T THESE GIRLS KNOW THEIR PLACE?

So right from the beginning, the Girl Scouts was drawing a very liberal false equivalence between boys and girls: assuming that what is good for one would also be good for the other.

Naturally, in the 100 years since then, things have only gone down-hill.

See what happens when you abandon conservative values?  Lesbianism, paganism and transgenderism.

So, to sum up the history lesson:

1912: Girls being encouraged to be more assertive, active and independent.

2012: Trangendered lesbian paganism.

The connection is clear.

 

This is why conservatives HATE the Girl Scouts, and know them to be ultra-radical liberals.

We have added the appropriate speech bubble to signify this fact.

Sneaky abortion statistics contradict conservative pundit

Abortion Opinions

Abortion Opinions

Sometimes I watch MSNBC, simply because it is important to understand what the enemy is doing. You should not attempt this. Only in the hands of a trained responsible professional, such as myself, is this a safe practice. When in doubt, you should do nothing but watch Fox News and read LiberalBias.com.

However, recently I was watching MSNBC, when one of their Satan-worshipping hosts was interviewing a very brave, honest conservative pundit whose name I happen to forget and whom I’ve never actually heard of before but he seemed nice.  The host was trying to imply that America is getting more liberal, just because support for Homo Sexual Marriage has been increasing over the last 10 years or so.

The very wise conservative pundit replied by saying that Homo Sexual Marriage is just one indicator, and that there are other indicators that indicate that the country is becoming more conservative. He gave an example, saying that America has been growing more pro-life in recent years, probably because of increased technology allowing us to view fetuses better.

Let me tell you, I sighed a breath of relief!  This wise, honest man told me that America is becoming more pro-life. At least THAT is something conservatives can be happy about.

But then, along comes the above graph from a PEW Research Poll, telling me that it isn’t true!!!!

WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO MESS UP MY DAY, PEW RESEARCH????

In situations like this, it can be difficult to know what to believe. Do you believe the nice, honest, friendly conservative man on the television set? Or do you believe some collection of emotionless, suspicious numbers that are tough to understand?

Obviously, when liberal “data” and conservative truths seem to contradict each other, there can be only one answer: the so-called “data” is suffering from a liberal bias!!!!

 

graph source: PEW Research
graph found via: People-Press.org

Freedom in America! A bias-free graph.

American Freedom

You will be pleased to know that the above graph does not contain any liberal bias. It is a completely accurate numerical analysis that shows the effect of the Tea Party in Congress and specifically the glorious effect of conservative values in the House of Representatives. Thanks to our freedom-fighting Tea Party representatives, we have been able to dramatically increase the amount of freedom in this country.

Of course, this is not the original graph.  The original graph was horribly distorted by a liberally biased caption that was misleading, suggestive, inappropriate, and all kinds of other words that mean bad stuff.

The original graph, filled with bias, is here:

Biased Graph

Fortunately for you, however, we have been able to alter the graph in such a way as to make it free from bias, so that it accurately highlights the glory and superiority of the United States and the Tea Party Conservative wave. As a result, you do not have the view the version of the graph that has been infected by liberal bias!!!!

graph source: Guttmacher Institute
found via
: SomeDisagree.com

Liberal pie chart uses “numbers” to lie

Abortion Pie

The above left-wing pie chart is extremely deceptive. If you look at these so-called “numbers” that describe how much of the health services provided by Planned Parenthood fall into different categories, you might get the idea that abortion is actually a very, very small part of what that organization does.

However, Fox News, which is never wrong, has told us repeatedly that the whole point of Planned Parenthood is to abort poor innocent fetuses! Almost everything they do is pointed with laser-like focus on the single goal of aborting as many fetuses as possible.  Sean Hannity has said it, guest commentators have said it, and even some of those less important announcer people whose names that nobody knows have said it!

SO WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, LYING LIBERAL PIE-CHART?? WHY ARE YOU CONTRADICTING FOX NEWS?

Obviously, by using “numbers” instead of well-known conservative facts from Fox News, this pie chart is engaging in a plot to undermine conservative values.  If this chart were unbiased, it would look like this:

Cash Pie

….but with the green area re-labelled as “KILLING BABIES.”

Any chart that looks any different from that is obviously suffering from liberal bias!!!

sourcePlanned Parenthood Federation of America, Annual Report 2009-2010