Republicans reassert “penis power” for 2015-16 Congress

Penis Power: 9 Republican Dicks

Republicans on Wednesday outlined a new “path to the future” by announcing that nine white men would be named to coveted leadership positions when the new Congress begins in January.

Speaker John Boehner denied that there had been any kind of “ litmus test” in the selection process, mansplaining that his party no longer used litmus tests as they were “way too sciencey sounding.”

“Each of these fellas has the testicular fortitude we need to lead our nation forward,” proclaimed Boehner, heaping specific praise on Paul Ryan as “someone with the balls to tell any woman exactly what the government and/or her employer expects of her in terms of managing her ladyparts.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell hailed the announcement, saying: “We now have a House Leadership team that reflects the true mosaic of today’s party, from the baby powder white of Tom Price from Georgia to the old lace of Steve Chabot from Ohio to the eggshell of Utah’s Jason Chaffetz.”

“Mad Men” creator Matthew Weiner said the new GOP lineup looked surprisingly familiar to anyone who had watched Season One of his popular show: “The attention to detail is astonishing,” he said. “They’ve really captured both the look and the depressingly sexist attitudes of 1960 in such an authentic, effortless way.”

Meanwhile, in a blow for women’s rights activists, comedian Sarah Silverman announced that she would take the only logical course of action to succeed in 21st Century America and “become a dude.”

Ep 25: This is what it will be like having a Republican congress in 2015

There has been a lot of debate about the question of impeachment. Now that the GOP has control of Congress, what will they do? Will they calmly legislate according to their ideals and political agenda, and map out a strategy for winning the Whitehouse in 2016?

Or will the FREAK THE FUCK OUT ON OBAMA non-stop for the next two years?

Zach Heltzel explains… or rather, demonstrates… what our Tea Party Congress will REALLY do once they begin their first session in January.

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Ep 24: 2014 midterm elections PROVE there is liberal media bias!

Did you know that Republicans made gains in the Senate, the House, and Governorships across the United States in the 2014 Midterm Elections? Of course you didn’t, because we have a liberally biased media.

All the media has been talking about in the Liberal News has been liberal victories like gun control, pot legalization, fracking bans, minimum wage increases… the list goes on and on.

That’s what the media has been focusing on, right? Of course it is. Because we have a liberally biased media.

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