Republicans rode a wave of aging white male rage to reclaim the Senate, increase their leadership in the House, and win key Gubernatorial races this Tuesday. Turnout among 60+ voters soared to 37% of the total (up from 25% in 2012 and 32% in the last midterms in 2010).
79- year-old Charlie Koch and his kid brother Dave were particularly happy with the results, explaining that they were just really, really mad at the way they had created more wealth for themselves under America’s first black President than they had under all white Presidents combined. “We almost got wiped out in the Bush crash of 2008,” said Charlie, “but under the socialist tyrant Hussein Obama our wealth has recently soared to over $100 billion. Now he has the audacity to suggest we should pay a little more in taxes to maybe repair the roads and bridges our trucks have been using.”
The Kochs spent over $290 million of their barely taxed profits to help defeat Obama. Younger brother Dave said he was particularly offended by Obama’s call for a small increase to the minimum wage and his suggestion that Americans should be slightly nicer to women, seniors, students, gays, blacks, Latinos, working families, veterans, the long-term unemployed and others less fortunate than the highly successful Koch boys. “Fuck that shit,” he said.
With millennials, still exhausted from September’s massive climate march, largely sitting out this year’s election, it was up to voters like 68-year-old Bill Mulberry, Jr. of Huntersville, North Carolina, to decide what policies America would pursue to save the planet. Unfortunately for the planet, Mulberry thinks climate change is a hoax. He also described the fact Obama has created 10.5 million private sector jobs in a record 56-month stretch as “just your opinion.”
With gas prices below $3 a gallon and total American wealth now at the highest level in history, aging white voters said they still yearned for “the good old days,” when America was waging two wars and losing 800,000 jobs a month under a folksy white President.
With Ted Cruz now running both the House and Senate and John McCain set to head the Senate Armed Services Committee, experts say those “glory” days may be returning sooner than anyone who sat out Tuesday’s election may imagine.