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Republicans Excited to Learn Hacking Works, Even if Torture Doesn’t

Hackers and the Republican Party

Sony’s decision to cancel the release of its controversial movie The Interview following threats from North Korean hackers prompted quick reactions from Republicans. Mitt Romney, the party’s 2012 nominee, tweeted: “.@SonyPictures don’t cave, fight: release @TheInterview free online globally. Ask viewers for voluntary $5 contribution to fight #Ebola.”

But other Republicans, still reeling from several days of embarrassing revelations about the depravity, illegality and inefficacy of the Bush-Cheney era’s torture policies, saw opportunities to use hacking to achieve a variety of goals… especially in cases where torture wasn’t an option.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney told Fox News: “Hacking is the worst kind of 21st Century war crime. But I’d do it in a minute to stop movies from telling people about my torture policies.”

Paul Ryan insisted that “legitimate hacking,” when done by shady GOP operatives, was still OK: “If it’s like that time Karl Rove tried to take control of voting machines in Ohio, then I didn’t have a problem,” he said.

Sarah Palin tweeted: “Hacking is how we baptize our enemies’ computers.” When later asked if she understood what hacking was, Palin said: “Something I would use on ‘gotcha’ journalists who seek to destroy us.”

Rand Paul took to a CNET message board to ask if there was “any way to erase all traces of a speech I just plagiarized from the internet (after I’m done cutting and pasting, of course).”

Marco Rubio, meanwhile, was forced to deny that the new bio that had recently appeared on the official Senate website was the work of hackers he had hired: “If it says I arrived in America on Jack Sparrow’s pirate ship, it must be true,” he told CNN.

Senator Ted Cruz said: “We live in a new age of cybercrime in which hackers seek to destroy the US economy and bring our government to its knees. If there’s any hacker out there who would like to be my 2016 running mate, give me a call. We obviously have similar goals.”

President Obama, meanwhile, advised Americans simply to go to the movies this weekend, which Republicans will no doubt claim sounds very un-presidential.

 
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The #CRomnibus budget bill is completely fair and even-handed in every way

Nobody should be complaining about this Omnibus Budget bill, because it represents the ideal of compromise: even sacrifices on both sides. You don’t believe it? Let Zach prove it to you: Make sure you subscribe to our Youtube Channel to get notified about the latest episodes of Heltzel’s View. Video direct link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RI2-EjcNyvg

 
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Dick Cheney’s heart transplant donor is a serial killer and now the world makes sense, doesn’t it?

With America and the world still reeling from the Senate report detailing the horrors of the Bush-Cheney era’s torture policies (described by The New York Times as “a portrait of depravity“), Dick Cheney himself took a moment to reflect in a personal way about how he has been coping with the burden of being a

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BREAKING: Michigan legalizes SHARIA LAW!

In a shocking announcement, the Michigan House of Representatives passes a bill that allows Muslims to ignore ANY federal laws that contradict the teaching of Mohammed, allowing them to put Sharia Law above United States law or even the Constitution. In this video Zach Heltzel explains this shocking development and examines some of the terrifying

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Cops now represent fastest growing segment of murderer population

As the national homicide rate continues decline, new data shows that the fastest growing segment of the murderer population is cops. The good news is that Americans are now less likely to be murdered than in previous years, with major declines in the homicide rates seen in cities such as Chicago, Los Angeles, New York,

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Will of the people, or stupid sheeple? How to tell the difference.

We still don’t know exactly how many people participated nationally in the #HandsUpWalkout protests on Monday. Although it’s clear that a very large number of people participated in dozens of cities across the country, we may never have completely reliable number estimates. But if you are a good conservative, you know that these protests don’t

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This adorable baby marmoset is a THREAT TO FREEDOM ITSELF!!

You’ll never believe how this baby marmoset is destroying America: Make sure you subscribe to our Youtube Channel to get notified about the latest episodes of Heltzel’s View. Video direct link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Jwj4lJuz60

 
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These Bible quotes prove God supports the XL Pipeline

Today’s letter is about the Keystone XL pipeline, and the environment. What does God think about the Keystone Pipeline bill? All 45 Republicans voted for it, but those pesky Democrats seem to think we should be more careful about the things we do that might harm God’s green earth. Does God want the pipeline, or

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Republicans reassert “penis power” for 2015-16 Congress

Republicans on Wednesday outlined a new “path to the future” by announcing that nine white men would be named to coveted leadership positions when the new Congress begins in January. Speaker John Boehner denied that there had been any kind of “ litmus test” in the selection process, mansplaining that his party no longer used

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This is what it will be like having a Republican congress in 2015

There has been a lot of debate about the question of impeachment. Now that the GOP has control of Congress, what will they do? Will they calmly legislate according to their ideals and political agenda, and map out a strategy for winning the Whitehouse in 2016? Or will the FREAK THE FUCK OUT ON OBAMA

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The GOP can #BreakTheInternet, too!

Today’s letter is about the Democrat War on Women… But I think this time my response might surprise you! As a Republican and a Christian, of course I love the ladies. The dames. The skirts. All of them. They’re just so nifty! But Democrats are reviving the “War on Women” strategy, trying to convince the

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China Moves Quickly to Prevent Spread of Inhofe

World leaders continue to react with horror at the results of the US midterm elections, and specifically the likely ascension of climate change denier James Inhofe (R-OK) to the head of the Senate Committee on Environment. China, a country that insists on using science class to teach students science instead of how awesome God is,

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Obamacare will cause a surge in part-time employment, any minute now!

Just yesterday, November 11th 2014, the conservative “Power Line Blog” sang songs of doom and gloom for the Affordable Care Act (i.e. Obamacare), and predicted: “2015 is the year when the employer mandate begins to take effect (it is phased in over several years, depending on the size of the employer). As the mandate takes

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2014 midterm elections PROVE there is liberal media bias!

Did you know that Republicans made gains in the Senate, the House, and Governorships across the United States in the 2014 Midterm Elections? Of course you didn’t, because we have a liberally biased media. All the media has been talking about in the Liberal News has been liberal victories like gun control, pot legalization, fracking

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Aging White Voters Still Mad at Black Man Who Fixed Economy

Republicans rode a wave of aging white male rage to reclaim the Senate, increase their leadership in the House, and win key Gubernatorial races this Tuesday. Turnout among 60+ voters soared to 37% of the total (up from 25% in 2012 and 32% in the last midterms in 2010). 79- year-old Charlie Koch and his

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