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TODAY'S TOP STORY!

GOP: “Please help make Obamacare fail so we don’t look like idiots!”

Conservatives! Gird up your loins. We’ve reached Defcon 1 and that sound you hear is Ronald Reagan’s legacy dying! But with your help we can turn this ship around before it runs aground on the rocks of public health and fiscal sanity.

Recently, the liberal media has been cranking out positive Obamacare news items… and if this keeps up, it could be a disastrous November. Now, if you think I’m over-reacting, you haven’t fully considered how the success of Obamacare undermines the central tenet of conservatism: government ruins everything.

Think back to last December, when the healthcare.gov website was a shambles, we could pretend that young people would never sign up, and that insurance companies would go out of business or double their premiums. Obamacare was going to mean the end of the world as we know it… and it felt great!

But now, the liberally-bias media is feeding us brazenly deceptive facts like these:

More people than expected have found coverage on exchanges

Costs are lower than originally estimated

The number of uninsured is falling

The number of companies providing insurance is growing

…and worst of all…

the cost of health care for everyone is rising slower than at any time in 50 years and slower than GDP

 

I’ll be honest, guys… it looks bleak.

But do not fear!

We at LiberalBias.com have composed a list of things you can do to serve this country, and turn the news around!

 

How To Help Republicans Save Face:

Get fired from your full-time job with benefits! It’s important that we report that Obamacare has caused massive unemployment which is getting harder now that unemployment is below 6%. So, sexually harass a coworker, embezzle sloppily, “accidentally” copy customers on insulting emails or keep a vial of cocaine on your key chain. This is a two-fer since unemployment goes up and so does the number of uninsured.

Get sick or injured! Think of it as a denial of service attack on the health care system. You know, like those anonymous guys do. If insurance companies see a sudden rise in injuries and illnesses, they’ll be forced to adjust premiums upward. Go rock-climbing with no safety lines. Ride without a helmet. Drink unfiltered water in Thailand. But remember, the cause needs your vote so steer clear of Ebola, HIV, drunk driving, being Black in St. Louis and other similarly deadly pursuits. You can vote from the hospital, but not from the morgue.

Move to a state without Medicaid expansion! Especially if you’ve done one or more of the above, this is liable to really ratchet up the urgency since refusal to expand Medicaid will likely cause 7,000-17,000 preventable deaths this year. Try to fine-tune your income so that you’re just above the federal Medicaid threshold, but below the income required to find coverage on the exchanges, otherwise you’ll end up with health care coverage.

Sell your Cigna stock! This is a tricky tightrope to walk. On the one hand, we need to prop up the story that insurance companies are collapsing under the mandate to insure the uninsurable. On the other hand, it’s equally important to paint the ACA as a “giveaway” to insurance company fat-cats, which would be, um, a bad thing <wink>. On balance, I think we need to make sure to stick to the conservative message that government does everything inefficiently, unfairly and in all other ways badly. We can’t have word getting out that government meddling has improved the market for health care.

 

So there you go! This should keep you patriots busy through the midterms. Next to suppressing the vote and inventing bad Obamacare news, creating bad Obamacare news is the most important thing you can do for your country this election season.

Don’t you care about America!?

Obamacare is really embarassing the GOP, but you can help

 

 
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EXPOSED AND EXPLAINED: The Republican 5-Point Plan

John Boehner took 16 minutes to explain his “5 point plan” to save the Universe… I mean, America. Luckily, Zach Heltzel can explain it in only four. It really is quite simple. Republicans want no spending, no lawsuits, no taxes, no mean regulations, no spending, and they want to use Federal money to pay for

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The Christian solution to Ebola is not what you think

Blessed Sunday, everyone! Today’s letter is about the top news story today, Ebola, but my answer to today’s question might surprise you! Dear Pastor Gregory, You’ve heard the news: Ebola is spreading like wildfire and it’s all President Obama’s fault! Great Christian leaders like Pat Robertson and yourself always say that we should just stay

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2014 Texas Governor’s race teaches us what REALLY matters to the GOP

Republicans are obsessed with messaging. They are not nearly as obsessed with actual policy and legislation. You can see a perfect example of this in Texas politics right now, in the race for Texas Governor between Republican Greg Abbott and Democrat Wendy Davis. Recently, Republicans have been outraged by a campaign commercial from Wendy “Abortion

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Republican cuts kill…. and they are supposed to. That’s capitalism.

Liberals and Democrats have been slamming Republicans for cutting medical research funding, blocking the appointment of a Surgeon General, and cutting money to hospitals…. only to “suddenly” turn around and start demanding money and medical oversight now that we have a problem with The Ebola. Some Democrats are calling the Republican Party experts in “closing

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Leif Erikson Day: an EVEN BETTER holiday for gun-toting racist conservatives!

Liberals like to mope around about how Christopher Columbus was a racist mass murderer, blah blah blah and all that noise. But it turns out this time they may have a point: Why celebrate some Spanish puss when you can celebrate a VIKING! He’s rugged! He’s manly! He has a beard like the Duck Dynasty

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Republicans are super-flexible. Here are 3 specific examples.

Republicans get a bad rap in the press. Liberals accuse them of being rigid, closed-minded and inflexible. Ha! Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, as every “lifelong Republican” knows, being a member of the GOP requires you to constantly re-evaluate your positions, and even your “core” beliefs. It’s exciting! And it demonstrates

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A BIG BAD LIST: 25 things that Ebola is like!

This picture proves that Ebola is like Mickey Mouse. Of course, everyone has already been talking about the fact that the responsible reporters at CNN think Ebola is like ISIS: But this is really only the beginning. Since Ebola has (obviously) been the only important topic in the entire world for the last week or

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GOVERNMENT COVERUP: the real truth about the New American Plague

There are some terrifying secrets about this new virus that has hit the United States. Some people call it the “New American Plague.” Government officials are trying to downplay the danger, but you deserve to know the truth. In this chilling expose based on detailed online research, Zach reveals some of the scariest facts that

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What does God want us to do about ISIS? TAKE THIS QUIZ TO FIND OUT.

If you are a Christian and a conservative, you might be going through an inner struggle right now. The situation with ISIS can be very confusing for a person of faith. As a Christian pastor I am inspired by God, anything and everything I say and do is in line with God’s will: that’s what

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Celebrating the glorious success of the GOP Government Shutdown!

October 1st marked the one-year anniversary of the hugely successful GOP shutdown of the US government. And Republicans have every reason to celebrate. Led by Cuban-Canadian renegade Ted Cruz, the shutdown allowed Republicans to deliver what one expert described as “a sharp kick to Uncle Sam’s balls and every American’s pocketbook.” This “completely self-inflicted economic

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Domestic US oil production has a liberal bias!

Oil. Black gold. Liquid prosperity. Conservatives know that oil is better than anything else in the earth, including water. As a result, Republicans have been working tirelessly to convince the world’s weakest iron-fisted dictator, Barack Obama, to authorize the Keystone XL pipeline and allow that sweet Canadian happiness to flow to the Gulf of Mexico,

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How to discredit the People’s Climate March and prove climate change is a lie

We had reporters on the ground at the People’s Climate March in New York City, and reveal our exclusive footage of the protesters that ABSOLUTELY PROVES that global warming is a hoax, climate change is a myth, and all environmentalists are wrong about everything. How could footage of an environmentalist rally prove all of these

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Every scriptural argument for being a gun-toting, open-carry nutjob!

Today’s letter is about the quintessential American topic: the relationship between guns and God. Dear Pastor Gregory, My son wants to buy a gun to protect our family. I have been hesitant to buy him the machine gun he wants because I thought my faith in Jesus meant I had to be non-violent or something.

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REVEALED: powerful entertainment industry millionaire plots to take down Rush Limbaugh!!!!

The Daily Caller recently published an explosive report on a conspiracy to destroy Rush Limbaugh. They painstakingly laid bare the 10 people engaged in the vast left-wing liberal conspiracy to make lovable cuddle-bunny Rush appear like the kind of despicable douchebag that any sane advertisers would avoid like the plague. But they missed a key player who

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